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Dancing Garden

My Garden’s growing, suppressing the stress
And the blossoms are blooming, with fragrant finesse
Flowers flowering, seamless success
Deliriously dancing in extreme excess
Tenderly touching, coy caress
As petals are pondering in new nobleness
Feminine feelings in a darling dress

 

 

 

Author notes

Mono-rhyme Alliterisen with Internal Rhyme
Alliterisen:
The Alliterisen (Complex and Rhyming), a form created by Udit Bhatia, is a simple seven-lined poem with a specific syllable pattern and two alliterations per line. For example: Glorious Graves, and wonderful waves. Alliteration is the succession of similar consonant sounds. They are not recognized by spelling, but rather by sounds. The syllable structure for the Complex Alliterisen is as follows:


1st line- x syllables
2nd line- x +2 syllables
3rd line- x -1 syllables
4th line- (x +2) or -1 syllables
5th line- x -2 syllables
6th line- (x+2) or -2 syllables
7th line- x syllables

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Comments

1 - 31 of 31
  • Crimson Reveller
    May 19

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    Excellent

    I love alliteration and I love monorhyming, so how could I do anything other than love this piece...It was a real joy to read..I love "coy caress", but wasn't so keen on "flowers flowering"..I may have to try this form, it isn't one i have heard of.....Reveller


  • Justified Inc.
    February 21

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    Terrific

    That looks like it took some time and effort!
    But it is beautiful and flows so lovely.
    Nice form and challenging it would seem.
    I so enjoyed reading it.
    Justified Inc.


  • herrlurch
    October 20, 2008

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    Sounds complicated,

    and is beautiful. A very light or, well, translucent and merry poem you have produced here. I think it wins lightness because of the strict form. I came to your page via your AP husband contest. Well, good luck there. Plus I've never heard of the form. Thank you for that.


  • HisDirtyLiLPoet
    July 31, 2008

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    You know that poem I told you I was working on? Yeah, well... this is the form I believe I'm going to use. This is going to be fun! Loved your accomplishment -- absolutely brilliant!

    She-ra


  • HaleyMary
    June 7, 2008

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    This is beautiful, Amera. Wonderful poetic form and flow. You never cease to amaze me with all the poetic forms you use. Thanks for sharing and keep that pen flowing.


  • Ithica silver member
    June 4, 2008

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    The only thing I can say to this is it is beauteous... You are a true poetic prestidigitator!!! Everything you touch turns to magic!!!

  • Eusebius
    June 3, 2008

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    bravo

    This is highly poetic with extremely sibilant sounds, just they way I loved them! Wonderful and entirely too complex for me to try! bravo... bravo... bravo...


  • Lyndon gold member
    June 3, 2008

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    I forget the form

    and read aloud the lines. I find there is a lilt there that is rightly pleasant.
    To be honest, I could not better the critique given by Mairi bheag except that I have no qualms with line five!
    I do not particularly favour restricted form beyond say the sonnet but your poem [which behaves so well according to the rules] is a decided exception and becomes poetry rather than verse - which shows all one can count, etc.
    I enjoyed this as did Mairi.


  • Kiran silver member
    June 3, 2008

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    Beautiful to read, I loved the structure and the rhyme, this was wonderful.


  • Pisces Pieces
    June 1, 2008

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    This is a pure pleasure to read...
    very colorful and appealing to the senses!

    I love it!

    ♥

  • Papagallo
    June 1, 2008

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    Ok you did it again. Great work.


  • ellipsist
    June 1, 2008
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  • RedAquarius
    June 1, 2008

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    First I have to say I really like the title, it's simply but evocative. I feel like a robot, because all I ever say is "this is good" but hey, you know what? If it ain't broke - don't fix it - this is good!!


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    June 1, 2008

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    Well this is certainly new to me and I had to read it twice to enjoy it at it's best, You always amaze me with your form and this is no exception.

    All the best in the contest...

    Love
    Sue


  • StarEyes
    June 1, 2008

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    Ok, I give up You know more forms, and are soooooo good at each one of them! This is amazing!! What a wonderful read this one is!!!

    Best of luck in this contest!

    and love

    Nyetta


  • Poetry-and-rhyme
    June 1, 2008

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    sis your a genious yes you are a pure genious poetess a monorhyme and u do it masterfully ur great sis love you loadss good lucks in da contest


  • malmadre gold member
    June 1, 2008

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    I love and enjoy rhyme and alliteration, this is a sweet treat! A delectable delight that teases the tongue ...Putting the icing on the cake are the comments by your fans, bringing a chuckle. I would add an (ing) to flower in the third line, if it wouldn't mess up the structure of syllables.


  • Rovingone gold member
    June 1, 2008

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    I love the structure of this poem, and the way it progresses. You do have such a way with a word picture.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    June 1, 2008

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    I am rarely a fan of these highly structured syllable poems, but this is a very well worked example with monorhyme and internal rhyme both fitting in naturally.
    Great work as always.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    June 1, 2008

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    well done !!!!

    You know forms that I haven't heard of out here in the sticks. LOl

    If I knew what it was before,
    I could appreciate it more.

    Yet not knowing a single thing,
    I felt this form really sing.


  • PerVirtuous
    June 1, 2008
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    Delightfully delectable! This is not usually a rhyming form and you have adapted it quite well. I am impressed. Congratulations.


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    June 1, 2008
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    The last time a criticised an actual form, I was bullied in IM by its inventor. Therefore I approached your "Alliterisen" with palpable palpitation and trembling trepidation, because up to now I have felt that this was not so much a form, more a vehicle for an endless repetition of a simple device (alliteration), and therefore both restrictive and predictable.

    Well, Sis, you are never predictable, and I was very pleased to find that you had shaken the shackles of the form and tried to take it in a new direction. You have kept the two alliterations per line, given us a "soft" feminine rhyme (rhyming the unstressed syllables only) internally, and a beautifully sibilant end-rhyme.

    On top of that, you have used an extended metaphor to convey wakening feelings of sensuality and femininity.

    All this is very, very good. Well done.

    I don't even mind that you don't have a completely regular meter (believe it or not!) - the poem can stand having lines that hover around ten or eleven syllables, because it is captivating, and the reader's mind can ignore that and interpret the rhythm at will. Line 5 is perhaps an exception to that, because it is markedly shorter, and perhaps you would like to consider re-forming it some way (but don't do it hastily - it would need to be as gently-flowing as the rest of the poem)

    I can't withhold the onrush of a whole warrenful of bunnies.

    • Amera gold member
      June 1, 2008

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      I agree, the form is very limited and restricting and quite a challenge. The good thing is that I sincerely doubt that Jeff will comment in an Alliterisen.

      • cricketjeff gold member
        June 1, 2008
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        No shorts on show, I am hiding no hair
        I am bare down below I am wondering where
        the breezes blow such a silly scare
        Though nobody may know still my conscience will care
        I've got to go, something to share
        With my gonads aglow as they lie in their lair
        Marvellously macho kilted for Clare

        • PerVirtuous
          June 1, 2008

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          The clown clad in kilt struts such sorry stuff
          Bored with British butts "Enough is ever enough!"
          The rat ruts, I call his bloody bluff
          He warrants what's coming he's so gaudily gruff
          Poetic putz haughtily huff
          Shows sad girdled nuts humility's just too tough
          Careless culled cuts of kilt crap off the cuff

          If the words are not consecutive it is not an alliteration! Ha ha ha. Lie in their Lair and Kilted for Clare are not alliterations. Sorry.

          • Mairi bheag gold member
            June 1, 2008

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            Between us all we seem to have spawned a monster! Quick, Sis, round up the villagers... tell them to fetch pitchforks and torches to the castle... There's an Alliterisen on the loose... It's already eaten Jeff and Allan!


            • PerVirtuous
              June 1, 2008
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              There had better be two of them! I am not sharing a stomach with HIM!


      • cricketjeff gold member
        June 1, 2008
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        Damn you Mairi is right.

        I now HAVE to do one
        and internally rhymed, At least it wasn't acrostic too!


      • Mairi bheag gold member
        June 1, 2008
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        Oh bloody hell - you've torn it now! He's BOUND to!


  • Faeryn
    June 1, 2008

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    This form sounds complicated and looks like it involves too much math! Great poem, Amera. I really like it.
    Love,
    Tay

1 - 31 of 31