As he walks down a lonely highway
Silver ribbons without end
He don’t know were he’s going.
He forgets all where he’s been.
On the way he meets the people
And he greets them with a smile
Just to here the people say
Won’t you stay around awhile?
He tells them all I love to
But I've got a mission on my mind
Now I shall keep on walking
I’m running out time.
For him there’s no beginning.
He can not see an end
Just an open highway
Silver ribbon without end.
Author notes
This probably sounds like a broken record used by a lot of writers, but I NEED MORE READER.
Would it be better to use only onestyle
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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interesting piece
there is enough here to where the reader could take this numerous ways
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i really like the description of the highway as a "silver ribbon without end," and how it's repeated at the end, strong way to close it.
definetly an interesting relationship to "the people," even just in referring to them as "the people." the unusual grammatical constructions / dialect also add to the interesting sound and rhythm of this piece.
a few suggestions that make this a little more polished and a clearer read:
line 3 "were he's been" - "where he's been" (?) also, seems to me the line would flow more smoothly with the next if it had an additional syllable inserted somewhere. my suggestion off the top of my head would be something like "where all he's been" because i think the slight shift in the location of the "all" and "where" in the two lines might be interesting, there are many ways you might go about doing this.
line 7 "Just to here" - "Just to hear" (?)
line 9 "He tells all I love to" - "He tells them all I'd love to" Also, I think quotation marks or italics to set apart the dialogue between "him" and "the people" would be helpful
line 14 "He con not see an end" - "He cannot" (?)
but intriguing character, and again, stunning image of the silver ribbon, especially in its second appearance atthe end. i like the simplicity of the title as well. -
It is really good.
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This is cool. if I wasn't saving up points I would give u three smiley's but I will give you my two free ones that I have left! Well done I must say.
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1st stanza, 4th life "been" not "bin"? perhaps?
Well done
Very realistic and one can really relate to your words.
Mylee
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