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it just wasn't right





he told me how it felt
as i smothered the lilac
between his legs,
and i knew he'd cum around.

in the backyard we searched
our gardens for that place
were we could be found,
grinning and kissing
moans vibrating off of bearded
dandelions and opened flowers.

but we just didn’t have any time
to discover those worlds.
we knew that it just wasn’t right
because love doesn’t grow in plants,
love doesn’t grow between legs.







Author notes

i kind of rushed this, but i hope it turned out ok.
critques are welcome,
and by welcomed i mean demanded.

the song was "when i come around"
by greenday

here's a video of it:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YV60n4-0-RE

peace to all ~flight

A contest entry

honesty

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • blackday
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was a standout. I really liked everything about it, especially how "in-your-face" the sexual references were. The ending lines were very well done.


    • flight
      June 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      i'm glad you liked it. it seems pretty fifty fifty
      on how people reacted to the sex thing, odd i think.
      anywho, thanks
      peace to all ~flight

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The middle stanza worked the best for me -

    I will agree with some others, it was a bit too in your face for me. I suppose its just because I am used to the softer approach from you.

    • flight
      June 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      this is a bit more out there with the sex then usual,

      i'll admit thanks for the honesty.
      peace to all ~flight


  • Tangled Angle
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i honestly like the how not-toned-down this is. i think it is great when a poet just says how it initially comes [or cums]. i just personally respect that more, when a poet is more fearless.

    i honestly would have ended it like this

    "love doesn't grow between leg plants" [a play on "egg plants"]

    just an idea, feel free to use it or discard.

    haha

    i like the poem itself, but i didn't like the ending; the last two lines. it was definitely rushed.

    but i liked your opening. the middle stanza was my favorite. your ending was my least favorite.

    overall, not bad. but i am sure we both could agree that you could have done better.

    • flight
      June 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      i could've it's true. thanks for the comment,
      i agree that the middle is the better part fo sho...
      peace to all ~flight


  • acoustical
    May 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    man...it's like almost TOO sexual.
    maybe tone it down a bit? if you were going to be subtle.


    • flight
      May 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      i see what you mean.
      i'll try think of ways to smooth the edges.

      peace to all ~flight

1 - 8 of 8