I swim in my dark and beautiful ocean
Containing my solace and hopeless devotion
These heavenly waters I need to take in
To come up for air is a frightening sin
Then my eyes wandered straight up to the moon
I see the red, and I smile as I swoon
Setting my eyes on angelic hypnotic
Competing with all my surroundings, aquatic
I couldn't help starring, I just had to see
The star up above as it hovered past me
The tranquil headrush of intense ecstacy
Watching it dance from the depths of the sea
The red star, contradicting all that I believe
An alluring structure, yet I must not leave
Can't tear me away from the waters I love
Just for that star when it lingers above
Inside the deep blue, I swim and I stare
At this burning bright flame that's surrounded by air
How do I escape from vermillion shine?
How do I break from this star that's not mine?
It was so spellbinding, I just had to see
The star up above as it hovered past me
The star may be magic, it may set me free
But I'll stay right here in the depths of the sea
Author notes
May 31, 2008... I have a girlfriend of over a year, who I love very much, but sometimes I get a silly crush on someone else. The red star represents the other person and the blue ocean represents my girlfriend.
A contest entry
- Emotions - author's choice by fatality-rhymed77.
600 points, ended June 1, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
-
I love the rhyme its an interesting write very well written thanks for entering my contest and congrats on the gold i can see why you won it an amazing peace
~GOOD LUCK~ -
Amazing
Wow. i love this, as son as i started reading it i was just enveloped in the words. awesome write.
-
This poem has to be my favourite from your entries to the Peer Pressure contest. Again the couplets worked well and the imagery invoked within your words was fantastic. A joy to read. Thank you for taking part in the contest that YOU decide the winner.
-
this is breathtaking.
-
I've read this before but this is a very fine poem to be proud of thank you for entering
-
Excellent poem Well thought out and well rhymed
-
Wow, you did an awesome job writing this piece. I can relate to this [admittingly I even touched that 'red star'] never touch it for it does burn and leave an unforgettable scar is all I can say. you did a great job writing this piece. you do an amazing job when it comes to the rhyming. keep up the wonderful writes.
~~Tori~~
-
Wow
I love the emotion and imagery your poem gave off
The concept is amazing too
Favorite part:
I couldn't help starring, I just had to see
The star up above as it hovered past me
The tranquil headrush of intense ecstacy
Watching it dance from the depths of the sea
Loved this!
Thanks for entering
Good Luck
♥[Katee]♥ -
A creative piece, indeed. I loved the emotions in this and the metaphors you used. Nice rhyming as well. Awesome, keep it up. Congrats on your gold.
-
very powerful images, striking the readers eye and imagination widely and deep, thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work
-
Very beautiful. I loved it!
-
I really, really liked it! You're very good ^_^
The only part that bothered me was:
The red star, contradicting all that I believe
It seemed to kind of break the flow for me.
-
Bravo.
I can see where you are coming from on this peice. And I love it. I aboslutely love it. I feel the same way about my lover =]]
keep writing:
Scarlett
-
YOu are amazing.
This is completely wonderful.
It makes perfect sense and its so amazing.
I love it.
-
...
...
...
::'tis speechless::
I'm not sure what to say other than it's really good; I lubs it.
^w^
Amazing job! -
cool
well I realy had no idea what you were saying till I read the caption, than it made perfect sense, this is truely amazingly writen, and very deep as well, this is what poetry is ment to be, there is supposed to be a deeper meaning lying under the words, and you do it very amazingly, I esspecially like this line "The tranquil headrush of intense ecstacy" very good use of words
-
WOW!!!!!!!
Thats perfect personification!!!
i mean ... simply spell-binding!!!
and it conveys the meaning sooo WELL!!
the imagery..so pronounced... the feelings so well woven in words...its MARVELOUS~~!!!!!!!!!!!
WAy to go !!!
-
This is beautiful. I love the word usage. Thanks for sharing <3
-
I like the metaphor a lot. =) The color choices added to it, "Red" being representative of sin, fire...and the blue sea of purity, continuation.
At first I thought it was political. xD Red star...communism...I still think it COULD be interpreted that way.
Anyway, you're a great poet. ^^
-
Holy crap this has to be one of the most amazing poems i've ever read. great write!
-
omg this is one of the best poems ever!!
-
I loved this poem! It was powerful and beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
-
Good very well written =]
-
Beautiful write! I found the second half had a much better flow than the first, but that's not saying that it wasn't a wonderful read =]
Awesome hehe =P
x-Underdose-x
-
wow very well written, very expressive and a great comparison, thanks for sharing and good luck
-
Lovely poem, the rhyming scheme is superb and the imagery that you conjure through your words is very vivid. Once the flow seemed a little out with a line being a tad too long compared to others ("The red star, contradicting all that I believe") not by number of words but by the sylabul count. Other than that I think the poem is fantastic. Good luck in the contest.
-
Astonishing.
This poem is simply amazing.
I think you are a wonderful poet.
I hope you keep it up.
Writing suits you well.
-
very well written i like it
-
Beautiful
I very much enjoyed the imagery of your poem. Beautifully written. Now that I've read your author's note, the poem makes a lot more sense. It wouldn't have mattered to me. The picture you painted was wonderful too. Great job
-
Ohhh how beautiful - and a little sad but I've had the same thing and trust me you get over it.
Magical words that spellbound me! Wicked sick write ^.^ Are all your works as good??
-
Nicely penned!
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
Wow!
That was so beautiful!!!!
Awesome job! You are a FABULOUS writer!!!
There aren't words good enough to describe how I felt about this!
If I could give you more than 3 clappy hands, I would.
-
Nice
very well down
-
WOW!!! this is absolutely amazing! seriously!!! this is deep an tranquil and powerful, great write fellow poet!!
-
lovely imagry... and yay for my spelling errors (with out which, people who write me may have been spared a laugh)
-
great flow.and your inner message is amazing..absolutely love this..thanx so much for sharing and best of luck in the contest..blessings..namaste..
-
Clearly pulled out being tempted within the write. Sometimes places we are, are so comfortable when we are being lored by 'attractiveness' attempting to draw us from our place.
Nice job! I thoroughly enjoyed the read!
-
interesting but well written. one suggestion the color scheme is terrible it burns the eyes.
-
-
Thanks for pointing that out, dude, I changed it to make it easier to read.
-
-
lovely
-
Hey, this poem is great...it was a touch confusing though. It flowed nicely and it has a great meaning
Btw, I did find it harder to read with the font color and background. I don't know if anyone else had that problem or not, but I just thought I would let you know that. I am on my laptop also, so I am sure that does make a difference
Great job!
-
Wow. This is an amazing write that just over whelms me with emotion. The flow was to die for and your words are ever so amazing.
I think we all feel like this once in awhile and it's great how very well you've conveyed it.
Great Write.
-
i understand how it represents that. its an amazin poem, well done!
-
how pretty
such a deep poem
so very....sweet and nice
i loved it
-
I love this, its so well written and the rhyme and flow is perfect!!
I love the ending aswell. Great work here!! x
Adding your comment:
1 - 45 of 45
