grey rabbit
nibbles across a backyard--
fallen coreopsis
A contest entry
- Haiku by azure85.
600 points, ended June 6, 2008, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please give honest critique (constructive please :))
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Congradulations!
Great haiku. The only distraction was the amount of time it took me to sound out "coreopsis." :-)
qt
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What in the world ...
is a coreopsis?
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it's a lovely little flower. ours were yellow and about 16 inches tall.
mr. bunny felled them and casually moved along, browsing all the while.
http://www.gardensplendor.com/flag/pe_coreopsis.html
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grey rabbit
nibbles across a backyard--
fallen coreopsis
Oh, this is a nice image of the action in the backyard. I like your AHA moment, and it a nice image of the season. Thank you so much.
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I has to google "coreopsis"...ashamedly I admit, I first thought it was a fancy word for "rabbit turds"...
your poem is much more charming having caught its true meaning!
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good
I like the picture you have painted here.
those marks in the middle line are somewhat distracting.
i think haiku work well when they are toghtly focused so i would suggest this haiku could take place in one backyard, rather than several... i would also play around with the articles a little, maybe something like this:
a grey rabbit
nibbles across the backyard--
fallen coreopsis
best wishes in the contest,
myron,
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Thank you for the very helpful comment. As a relative novice, I appreciate all the help I can get.
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this is sweet. and Coreopsis flowers are so pretty and summery! Its a lovely word to say !
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