The sun is sinking
In this world of my dreams
Nothing can stand forever
With our breakable seams
No matter the events of
A beautiful day
Everything must end
With no small delay
There is a twilight in every life
But the sun will rise again
So when the sun is gone
Think of all you can gain
For from the darkest of nights
Will come the brightest day
Remember that blackness
Will always give way
To hope
Author notes
My favorite color is green!
Your five words are:
1. Time
2. Water
3. Tree
4. Life
5. Twilight!!!
A contest entry
- {{Twilight}} Lovers by trinajean.
600 points, ended July 20, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and everything-prewrites allowed-2nd contest by Midgetbridgey.
350 points, ended July 11, 2008, 245 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Moment in Forever by Nephlim.
600 points, ended June 16, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Hi! You did a good job including all the words needed for the contest. But first off, there was a line that I thought the imagery was off for:
With our breakable seams
Seams don't really break if you think about it. So maybe you can change it. Here are some ideas of a different word:
fragile seams, frail seams
It's hard to find a word that fits there because the way it's set up you need a verb that acts as an adjective. If that makes any sense.
Maybe you could try rephrasing it to keep the rhyme yet find a more befitting word such as "rip" or "tear" or something more creative than those, but that's just an example.
Anyways, onto the rest of the poem.
Favorite lines:
There is a twilight in every life
But the sun will rise again
But then you try to force a rhyme to fit the scheme with again and gain... but they don't rhyme. So that just kills the rhyme scheme, which if that doesn't matter than alright, no problem. But if you want the rhyme then you might want to change that.
I really love the idea you have going here. Every end has a new beginning. The imagery made this unique.
Great write, just some possible things to touch up if you want. Hope I was helpful.
-
Thank you for following the rules!
I love the words you put on here!
The hope in this poem is almost unusual, you just don't see so much of it anymore! What a wonderful way to describe the twilight and the dread that could be coming with it, but looking past that to the sunrise ^-^. Good luck!
Adding your comment:
