Fractions collected on catacombs
as cloaks intersect catastrophes
& you become abstraction,
concealing details in folds
scattered in tatters
of hidden doubts.
Perplexities paused
for silence in nutshells
that confine
conformity.
Loss lingers longer
until labyrinths create ceilings
of parodies,
caging breath when it engaged
in suffocation.
& we help -
stitch memories on blankets
where buried recollections
never trespass,
only border conflicts
and disintegrates
at the seams
where you
and I
don't live,
we lie.
Author notes
Prompt:
“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.”
- Tori Amos
A contest entry
- Quote Inspired. [10 entries] by Naridill.
450 points, ended June 11, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From May 2008 by amaranthine lover.
900 points, ended July 1, 2008, 48 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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A lot of tongue twisting alliteration in this great write. And yes I agree one must crawl before they can walk. Great imagery and metaphor...
especially like this...
& you become abstraction,
concealing details in folds
scattered in tatters
of hidden doubts.
☼Becky☼
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Thank you
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great beautiful
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this is one of the best i have ever read from you, it says so much with its simplicity, the aesthetics in the language you use is simply amazing.
& you become abstraction,
concealing details in folds
scattered in tatters
of hidden doubts.
simply beautiful
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Thanks!
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Ok, although you have won a deserved gold with this, and I have read this carefully, you could have got a whole lot more readers here. I can say, absolutely, that to a normal reader, clicking on this piece, it would put them off straight away. Why do I say that? The answer is simple, you NEED to make your piece UNDERSTANDABLE to the common eye and mind. For example, this part here:
'Fractions collected on catacombs
as cloaks intersect catastrophes'
Now, if I were new, to writing, and was clicking on your piece for the first time, and came across that stanza, it would put me off. I would not read further.
You HAVE to make your piece understandable to many readers, not just a few. I don't doubt, for one second, the quality of this piece, as is shown by your trophy win. But what I do doubt is the work here, to have the ability to HOLD the reader's attention.
They NEED to be able to understand what they are reading about. Also, I did not get any sense of fear, or darkness from the piece.
As I keep on saying, you have to STEP OUT OF THE BOX. Simplicity, Understandability, Darkness. A Common Factor. The reader has to have some sort of connection, with your piece. I believe that the reader clicking on your piece here, will not be able to have that connection.
Please, please, try not to make your work elitist, so only a few will be able to comment and undertand what you are writing about. But make your writing AVAILABLE TO ALL. MAKE IT DARK, AND ABOVE ALL MAKE IT UNDERSTANDABLE.
Having said that, this piece deserved the gold trophy from what I have read here. I know you have put an explanation in your author's notes but, I am afraid, that people would have clicked off your piece BEFORE EVEN READING YOUR AUTHOR'S NOTES.
I hope you take this as a constructive criticism, as it is meant as such, to HELP and not HINDER. Two claps for you.
With
Dark
Wishes
Wayne Leon
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I disagree with you.
I'm not here to write something so simple that anyone can understand it. I wrote this to weave under a person's mind and make them think, instead of downright pasting images into their head. I am not the first and will definitely no be the last to write in a way that will allow the reader to grasp the images for themselves. There are more absurd, yet accepted poems such as abstract poems and those full of metaphor. My poem is not far from people not being able to understand, unless of course, they are hindered to do so with the lack of understanding clear english language?
Also, I'm not here to catch ore readers and views - I don't have that intention, nor will I focus on that ever. Those who understand are welcome, those who don't may be beest to stray far.
As for writing dark and fear poems - that was not my intention either. Not every poem on the internet needs to be dark - and so I will not make them so.
If you disagree, it would be better for you not to waste your time with my poems - as I'm not going to change my mind.
Thank you so far though, for your opinions.
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Ah! But I so KNEW this was the Gold. I didn't say anything, because every single time (without exception) someone said that about a poem of mine ... it didn't win
Congrats ... beautifully done.
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hahhahahaha! I know just what you mean. And later when I look at the comments, I go like: Bastards.
haha
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Beautifully tragic twist. [stanza three I think the lines need to be more bulk not loose though]
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touched it a bit ♥
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Don't you just love her writing!
you could read this poet each week and still draw new
imageries and learn wise lessons in her poetry!
What a mountain of talent you are!
ears -
This is actually a pretty good job ...
but the font is so tiny it was very hard to read. Anyway, you seem to have extrapolated very well on the prompt. Good luck in the contest.
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Thank you - after exams ... I owe you some comments
Ps: Maybe you're just getting old?
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awesome take on Tori. w00t! even.
as always killer ending.
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BRAVO! BRAVO!
I adore your writing...please feast us with this poem
on the Gluttons for PUnishment poem page...we all need
to strengthen our aorta's to write such as this!
well done poetess...well done!
ears/Seattle
my fav. parterplexities paused
for silence
in nutshells
that confine
conformity.
you write so powerfully! loved the whole poem!
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lol, ok, I'll put it in
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nice use of punctuation,
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done, though I just showed it to you on msn, lol
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botice how i used a comma instead of a fullstop :-D I am actually so hilarious!
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Nope - just mental, lol
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Ooooh, I absolutely love Tori Amos
Let me know when it's finished!♥ 
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done
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