Evil spirits impede my senses,
extreme and relentless exceeding defenses
They paint bleak pictures of a wicked existence
A mental prison of disease and sickness
A reluctant witness to insidious visions
I'm burdened by hurt and demonic curses
My mind works exerting its sinful purpose
Reaching the curve of slurred perversion
I Keep soul searching but the toll worsens
Thoughts of reality seem but a dream
Concealed by evasive thought patterns of a genius
I see things clearly I'm not sure of the meaning
My mind screams obscene and demented feelings
I've grown to bemoan and utterly despise,
the wretched thoughts of my own demise
Constant denial. A revised lie
I cry within, because my eyes have run dry
In a tortured mind sanity dies
I close my eyes, because there is no place to hide
For the death of belief, my heart still grieves
My pleas for relief,seem to never succeed
I move in the shadows for darkness of heart
My soul is defective, I'm broken in parts
My conscience yells,
I disregard
My GOD it's hard, there is no resolve
I pray for for calm to weather the storm
I'm aware of your stares, you'll do me harm
I'm led astray by deaths alarm
Lord if I'm wrong I'd be better unborn
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1750 points, ended June 3, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Social Phobia by U.g.l.y..
900 points, ended June 5, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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A poem for the month submitted here? And a pretty nice one, it's almost like if you were able to understand me. The only thing against this poem is the rhyme... it seems a little forced.
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Hi there and welcome...to both AP and the PO contests!
Gosh, did you ever expect to get an such an ear full? lol I’m really happy to see you have a great attitude too, as was already mentioned. Another thing I’m hoping will make any criticism easier for you, is that unlike some of us who have been here a long time, you probably aren’t spoiled by tons of “Oh! This is GREAT!” comments...yet.
You will always get honest and [hopefully] helpful feedback in the PO contests.
Several have commented about your format, which I totally agree on. Just looking at your poem as a whole, it’s almost intimidating at first because it appears very disorganized. The line lengths, center alignment, ec. all play a part in that. When I began reading I rather expected your thoughts would be disorganized as well, and yet I had no difficulty with clarity or your focus. For my other thoughts, please reread my co-judges comments. lol But seriously, nice job.
I look forward to seeing you back in a PO contest soon! In the meantime, I suggest reading and commenting as widely as possible. Not only will you become more familiar with what is commonly written about (and should therefore not be brought to a PO contest, lol) but it’s one of the best ways to get a lot of reads on your poetry when people return the favor. Past PO contests might be a good place to start, even. (You can find them by going to Arkbear’s page and clicking on “contests”, just above where his poetry shows up)
Enjoy your time here, and thanks so much for joining us!
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Line breaks, line breaks, oh how I love line breaks...
get what I'm saying here?
end rhyme should be that, end rhyme....otherwise you have a run on sentence with spotted rhymes, and you go from a flow easily understood to YOU to a breakdown of poetic format to us.
However, you might've exceeded the line limit by doing this, so whatever.
I see your responses down below, so I want to thank you for not being disregarding of the other judges' advice...
I'm sure next week we will find you ready, and you will find us talking of you amongst ourselves...
PEACE
Title: 7
Theme: 7(i have no idea)
Flow: 8.95(fortunately, i put this to music)
Impact: 8
Rules: 8
Creativity: 9.5
Big Bang Moment:8.55
Grammar: 9
Quality: 7
Poignancy:9
82 Final Score
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Hi and welcome.
Wow...day one on AP and you found yourself here? Not a typical contest...one for those looking for honest and thorough reviews and specific suggestions....did you know what you got yourself into? lol
Everything that I see here that will drop your score would easily be prevented next time around (yeah, hope to see ya here!) if only you knew what was actually being scored..... Your poem is full of lines that are thought provoking and full of depth...you just need to tie them together a bit and put it in a more poetic format...The way it reads now is choppy and slows up the flow...this all being because of format.
I am excited to see such new talent here, hope to see you back...and next time.... RULES! Also...there are TONS of poems here, absolutly TONS.... if you want to get reads find a title that lures people in. This here, it doesnt. I bet there are plenty more with the same name or else extremely similar. If you saw this title on the screen are you going to click on it?
Now my scores will reflect the other areas I havent mentioned... but I do hope to see you back as there is so much potential in the work you have already brought...to come back, focused on the challenge of the rules and the specific areas targeted for scoring.... and get yourself a shiny little trophy for that new page of yours.
Good luck!
Jamie
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rules
I have to admit I'm a bit of a slacker. I am totally new to all this and I will follow the rules a little better. I am embarrassed by my lack of attention to detail. Please forgive me. I am not discouraged. I rushed a bit. Now I know no more excuses. I have lots of work to show. I guess I just need to be a little more thorough. I THANK YOU for you kindness. -
Very nice and sweet review Jamie
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An excellent first write for the PO contests, and corageous for you to enter it. I agree, however, that you should have done a double-take on the rules, because the rules are the simple little things in this contest that will get you dinged, time and time again.
a good poem, but a bit cookie-cutter christian for my tastes... and I am guilty of having writtnen some similar poems, myself.
Still, very powerful writing... and your closing lines...
how do I know that feeling
Good luck! -
Hello :)
I shall not go over your other Judges reviews, as they have mentioned some VERY important things which you need to remember ~
1. Rules
2. Poetic Format
....other than that, yes, this piece of Art could have scored VERY high on my scoreboard ~
I am a Christian.....I do not believe in Religions....only the Trinity :)
Your write has touched me deeply, and I suggest you lift your hands in praise and bless the Lord for the talents He has given you....free of charge :)
I also think this would have read MUCH better left-aligned ~
Other than those few areas I have brought to your attention, this is a remarkable write....full of passion....lots of Powerful lines and the Lasting Impression brought a tear to my eyes.....maybe it's the soft Gospel music playing in my office....not sure....but I do know this......you have talent and insight......and I want to see you back.....deal?
Thank you so much for your time and thoughts....just remember....thoughts in Poetic Format is what we ask for...ok?
Be well and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.5
Flow 7.85....tighten up your lines -
Depth 9.9
Theme 8.5...too common -
Feelings 9.85...nice job -
Grammar 9.25....too simplistic....for me -
Presentation 8.9...left align something this big -
Uncommonness 6.75....this Theme is not original -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.55...left me thinking -
Ability to follow Rules 8.0...Rules have to followed next time for a better score :)
Bears Score: 88.05
Not bad for your first PO' Contest....very impressed!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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GOD BLESS
Wow , good to see believers. Thank you for your kind words. I'm new at this and rushed this poem in the contest. Forgive me for slack attitude. So sorry. WILL do better next time.
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Hi, and welcome to the POM contest!
I don't recognize you as a regular to these contests, but I'm fairly new here myself, so please excuse if I am wrong.
If you are not a regular, you are probably unaware, or did not consider, the idea that the rules to these contests are considered very important. Unfortunately, you have immediately lowered your final score by not heeding them. You have not entered your theme or topic in AN, and therefore, I lack clues as to your motivation when writing this poem. You have not entered "POM" in the AN..not a big thing, but a rule. Also..there are several banned 'filler' words that are not supposed to appear in your write. You have used many, if not all of them, at least once.
Also..capping of all lines was banned..and you have used that format.
Your theme, if I guess it correctly, is fairly common, and we look for unique themes here, or at least a unique approach to a topic.
That's the bad news. Now, on the brighter side, this is a good, strong write, and would probably walk away with a trophy in any other forum. Your rhyme scheme stumbles a bit at times, but overall, not bad. Lack of punctuation rattles me a bit. Most of your line breaks help to let me know where to pause, but I prefer commas and periods.
Not a bad effort..some good strong lines and thoughts here, on a difficult subject.
I'm so sorry that you didn't read the rules before entering. Next time, with attention to detail, you will score much higher, I am sure!
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented on your work. -
One of the main problems I have with this write is your lack in following the rules. I lost count of the banned words. Your Author's Notes are missing the POM entry and the theme, and you have capped every line.
Although I can feel your emotion in this, your long lines and lack of punctuation (and the filler words) cut the impact and lasting impression. I do feel this can be edited to present a much stronger write, but the way it stands right now, I honestly don't think it's the best you can do.
I hope to see you return to these contests - and follow the rules and suggestions that you will receive. I do think you have the talent to present a winning entry down the line.
best wishes in the contest.
My scores will be included in my final notes.
**Remember - no editing once a judge has commented. -
Welcome to AP!
This is a wonderful poem, some amazing imagery within your words. I love the darkness it carries, such a gripping piece. I would tho check all the rules to this contest, it's not like the normal everyday contests here on AP. Would hate to see such a brilliant write lose points. The very best of luck
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