Tenderly I hold you, in these arms of mine
You will feel emotion, something so divine
Desolation over as you bow your head
I will take your sorrow, put it all to bed.
For you are not evil, although you think you are
I will steal your ego, replace it with a star
As it starts to shimmer, hate will fade away
Take away the demon that is here today.
Tenderly I hold you, to kiss you with a dream
Send the moon to heal you and bathe you with a beam
Universal soldier, in war you will have won
For here I am, your mother and you my only son.
A contest entry
- One Last Time *****with a pic inspiration***** by rainyday woman.
875 points, ended June 13, 2008, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
nice
cool take on the picture.
lots of luck in the contest -
Thank you very much for entering this contest. I like this piece alot. You've painted a beautiful picture with your words and I can see them representing this picture easily. Again thank you for entering.
Cheryl
-
very good
this was a great write i loved the hope of redemption always from love. wonderful feel
good luck in the contest
-
nice take, great rhyme scheme. There is jus two lil things that erk me one the star line "replace it with a star" I get where you were going with it but for some reason that line seems like a forced rhyme to me, and two "with a beam" i know it would turn the moon into a person rather than an object if you did it but to me with its or with his/her beam would have flowed with the poem as a whole a lil bit better... But these are all said IMO and I'm not the talent that wrote it... So ... Great write and good luck to you in this contest
-
excellent
it brings the point t o life again of how a mothers love is there. uncondittionally. what a perfect way to view this pic. great job.
-
A very tender piece.
-
Its a really good poem. A tender poem written from ehr mother to her son. You did an excellent job an no where was the rhyme forced, the flow broken, or did it come across as being cliche.
Ont thing I noticed though. Your last rhyme wasnt really a perfect rhyme but it was close enough that you wouldnt notice it unless you were looking for it.
You really did a great job with this one. I hope you do well in the contest.
-
-
Thankyou.I have changed it to rhymne properly, Ros
-
-
this is really excellent your use of rhymn in this is spot on,the story in it is real and very intelligent.
gret stuff and best wishes
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
