Sparkling, glittering,
this fictitious fairy tale
tells stories about little girls
whose twisted dreams have gone wrong.
Murderous intentions, blasphemous prophecies
fill children's ears till
they are overflowing with deceit,
so with jaded eyes they run towards their demise.
Standing beneath diamond gems
drinking in disastrous miracles,
tales laced with arrogant propositions,
dipped in woeful sorrow, twisted delight.
Anxiously they wait for crime scene photos,
praying rapidly, head tilted towards blue sky,
may no implications come their way.
Verdicts in, truth ready for uncovering.
Imperial judge grinning manically,
"Guilty. Charges? Dreaming, scheming,
planning deaths, leading towards false arrests
Every judge's favorite verdict"
Author notes
"Cheap champagne and Chandeliers, it's every girls twisted fantasy"
Or more simply put. Planning murder beneath the ballroom lights.
Eh, not too happy with my own choice of theme, but it's been in my head. I hope it's good enough.
Or how it ended. Meep.
It's my first time entering, so I hope you enjoy.
POM
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1750 points, ended June 3, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From May 2008 by amaranthine lover.
900 points, ended July 1, 2008, 48 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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This is a very well conceived piece!
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I found this to be very interesting. I really enjoyed reading it. I would love to read this again after you have added more. excellent job. I love the title a lot.
for this being a first time entry, I think you did an outstanding job.
kat
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I'll be sure to send you the link when I add more ^^ And thanks so much for the kinds words
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and I will be waiting... you are welcome.
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Kurt Vonnegut once said that he started writing a book, ripped out the first few pages, and left the story to start at that point.
I believe that this is a great example of how to improve this...Sometimes it's hard to start with an idea and keep it going all the way through...Stanza 4 would've made for a great opening, and from there you might've blossomed....just my opinion of course...slight editing of grammar and different ways of saying things will help you out also...use synonyms to your advantage, for every word, until you blow yourself away with what you wrote...I love trista's idea of coming back to this later...
good luck in scoring
Title: 8
Theme: 9
Flow: 8.75
Impact: 9
Rules: 10
Creativity: 9.4
Big Bang Moment:8.65
Grammar: 9
Quality: 10
Poignancy:9.1
90.9 Final Score
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Hi and welcome to the POM contest!
Okay...it is likely the late hour, but I admit I had a really difficult time following this even (or maybe especially) after reading your Author Note and intended theme.
After a couple more readings it started to come together for me, and then I rather enjoyed what I was reading. My first impression though, is one I still can’t completely get rid of...I did a research paper in college about fairy tales and how they can negatively affect young girls’ expectations of the “real world” once they grow up, the Disney versions of fairy tales in particular, which aren’t quite as...brutal (for lack of a better word) as the originals by, say, the Brothers Grimm. I see you are fairly young, and I don’t expect you to put a lot of underlying messages in a poem, but I do feel there is huge potential in what you’ve got to become so, so much more. I’d love to see you return to this in a couple of years even, and see if there is more to it than even you might realize right now.
I do think some kind of transition is needed between the planning of the crime and the ending...it’s almost as if you’ve left half of the story untold, and I think that is what confused me most the first time or two I read it.
I’d like to bring your attention to S3 for a moment...
“diamond” gems
“disastrous” miracles,
“arrogant” propositions,
“woeful” sorrow, “twisted” delight.
See how many adjectives you’ve used? We need a certain amount of adjectives to sort of spice up things at times, but too many of them will take the focus off your “power” words, which are generally nouns and verbs, and dilute your impact. So, just something to keep in mind.
I can see a lot of raw talent here for story telling, and I hope you continue to write and develop that talent even further. You’ve done a really nice job, especially if this is your first PO contest. (Which I think it is, but forgive me if I’m wrong.) I hope you’ll join us again, as I'd love to see what other themes you'd bring us.
Thanks for your entry, and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J.
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Hi there and welcome.
Well...I wish I had more to offer but I will have to admit your theme really was lost on me....I read this over and over and from my perspective its seems it goes from plotting to post crime. No explaination for the jump....making it confusing...wait...what? I had to go back, re-read...not for any reason other than to try to piece it together.
Now that is MY perspective absolutly not saying anything about your writing...but the bottom line is what may make perfect sense to you may not always translate well to others. This was an interesting read and it was written well with strong wording and and intriguing images....I truly look forward to seeing future entries from you.
Nice attention to the rules If you added a little more to this I believe it could pull together nicely...breath your theme into the poem...I would love to see it if you do!
Good luck!
Jamie
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An interesting write and theme, not at all bad for a first entry to a PO contest...
I'm going to openly disagree with Bear on Stz. 1 & 4, because I believe that a well-written poem is one that strikes a balence between hard-block prose with line-breaks, and three-word metaphors that have no concrete understanding unless the author included their theme or a photograph.
However, there are many places where this poem could have been tightened up. Stz. 2 seems to be a bit of a muddle for me, and requires (IMO) some tightening up, if you are someone who edits their work regularily (but only after the contest ends!!!)
Keep at it in the PO contests,
and good luck! -
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Hi :)
You should stop disagreeing, and volunteer as a Judge in the PO' Contests
Bear ~ -
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hehe... I wish I could come back on, Bear... but it looks like you're full on judges, and right now, my computer time is limited, as I'm now on a house computer, and at the beck and call of two children who are fully addicted to myspace
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Hi there :)
Let me begin with the Title.......too inflammatory....expands too much on thought....tighten it up some with Focus ~
Your 1st & 4th S's are total prose' and not kept in Poetic Format, required in the PO'Contests ~
*filling childrens ears*...leave off till*
We already know *THEY ARE overflowing.....so I suggest taking *they are* off completely ~
Take off *so* in the beginning of that L ~
....and the last S is awkward IMO...yet you have been advised by your other Judges on what they feel might help......and this info is only suggestions, of course :)
I liked this write.....interesting and full of dark areas and avenues I have not been on poetically ~
Just remember....try to keep your write in Poetic Format and you can't go wrong ~
You did well with the Rules, and sometimes a writer can get lost without those words the first few times through the PO' Contests, but trust me, they are of no use and provide no power or imact whatsoever ~
You have done well....but the Lasting Impression is a tad weak :)
Let my scoreboard speak to you now :)
The best to you and your entry and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.2
Flow 8.85...tighten up your lines and try poetic format -
Depth 6.75
Theme 9.5
Feelings 8.35...never really grabbed a hold of it -
Grammar 9.65....very affective -
Presentation 9.8
Uncommonness 9.85
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.45
Ability to follow Rules 10..perfect -
Bears Score: 91.4
Not bad!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi, and welcome to the POM contest.
Good start, rule wise..I didn't see any of the banned words, and you have all necessary info in your AN.
This theme is certainly unique to me, but I was a bit disappointed in your title choice. I would so loved to have seen "Cheap champagne and Chandeliers, a Twisted Fantasy".
That would have drawn me in, for sure!
Excellent images, good use of language, good flow...until the last stanza. Then I got totally lost! Perhaps you should have stolen that period from your title, and used it after 'arrests'. But then..I don't understand that phrase at all. I think after reading it about 10 timees..I would have preferred this..and again, not sure what point you were aiming for, so I might be way off, but here goes:
Imperial judge grinning maniacally. (mis-spelled in your write)
"Guilty! Every judges favorite verdict.
Charges? Dreaming, scheming, planning deaths,
misleading false arrests." (whatever that means..does it mean leading the 'fantasy police' on a wild goose chase?..I really am trying to understand, here!
Then again..perhaps you meant 'misleading falsely arrests every judge's favorite verdict.'
Like I say...I got lost. Probably just me...I'm slooooow sometimes.
Other than that slight hiccup,and a few missing commas and/or periods, a strong and inventive write.
My scores will appear in final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented on your work. -
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Mhmm. I didn't mis-spell.
manic
Adjective
1. extremely excited or energetic; frenzied
and Maniac
which is a crazy person.
At least, I think. Perhaps, I might be wrong.
Misleading false arrests.
Actually.. You were completely off, which is most likely my fault.
I intended that the 'guilty' person had led the police to place a false arrest.
Perhaps 'Leading towards false arrests.' would have worked better?
On the title, noted. I couldn't think of a good title, and I didn't want to use my theme while this was still in the contest. Thanks for the idea. -
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You are correct..I was wrong...apologies all over the place...manically is correct, as you originally used it. Thank you for bringing this to my attention! Judges are definitely NOT infallible. *
*
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I found this interesting. A theme I haven't seen before. Not really thrilled with your title - it was too 'vague' for me. But I loved your unusual wording and great images. The flow was good, the punctuation looked fine to me.
Nice presentation, neat. Followed rules.
I agree with you - I'm not crazy about your last verse either, although your wording was good. Just seemed too abrupt or something.
This was a good entry, one that I enjoyed.
best wishes in the contest.
My scores will be with my final notes.
**Remember - no editing once a judge has commented.
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For when I fix this up later, do you think there should be a stanza inserted between the third and fourth stanza... Maybe a stanza on the crime happening or of accusations?. It does jump from planning to getting the crime scene results.
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That sounds interesting! If you do that, send me the link - I'd love to read it!
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this is an amazing little write. its extremely original and creative, ive never read or heard anything with such a theme before! good luck in the contest!
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A wonderful write, superbly written. I love the theme, not heard the saying before. You many want to add POM to your notes as per rules But awesome poem, good luck
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I thought you wrote this very cleverly.
and oh my goodness, i guess we poets will be headed for
the slammer!
For the dreaming and the scheme-ing and dreaming of poetry, will present us guilty verdicts.
so much to enjoy this poem, you led us well, at first
as I wasn't sure where you going to take us...and
then you captured us..with poetic delight.
well done!
ears/Seattle way to write!
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wow, this one made me stop and think. I read it several times and enjoyed each time. Good luck in the contest!
Kathryn -
wow i really really liked this..... awesome job here..! thanks for sharing this and goood luck in contest...!
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Very beautiful and powerful.
Glitz and crime at it's best.
Thank you for sharing.
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I love th words in this poem. standing beneath diamond gems, drinking in disastrous miracles, tales laced with arrogant propositions, dipped in woeful sorrow, twisted delight. It sounds almost like the caving in of the expetations I heard so many talk about, when they were looking to climb the ladder of success through some seedier venture. The whole piece is darkly rich and disturbing. It causes one to stop and examine closely, all the underlying meanings.
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