Listen to it while reading it
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Overcast was the climate
Uncolored was the day
She is leaning on the headstone
The markers of memories
The single rose spins, nauseously
In the month of Shivat
her face is tawny
I am assuming
that she senses my presence
But assumption has not a spine,
nor a structure. Along with the cemetery
breeze; is a stowaway, a very interesting -
- Intruder.
Compelling the lilac
Divorcing the snapdragon
The slit of her dress is long
Her leg is pulling at the hazel of my eyes
The rough of my tongue,
on the smooth of her thigh
To make my approach is all that's left
Finishing this conversation
should make things right.
Here I am now
In front of them both
The stone is nameless,
in this high-grass
Her knees can't buckle,
and I am being withheld,
Incommunicado.
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Author notes
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independentartistscompany.com/songs.aspx?SongID=1036&ArtistID=9993
Written December 26th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- Coffee House Lyrics by gymnastTMO34859.
300 points, ended May 19, 2006, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 81 of 81
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quite a lil' dance you have here .... a bit shallow and slight, but a nice pen ... your painting fell nice into that fragment of seconds ... great work ...
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Run away and play like a good child.
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I myself, despise the poem, the picture, and your generality
But I'm currently transcribing a most curious ranting
of a mad arab, passages of enoch, and antidiluvian papyri
not much unlike the dead sea scrolls exponential You, however, still
ryhme moon with soon and should either be made to
stare into nyarlathotep until a muttering idiot, or move on to
real acts of scholarship. -
Hi, I am sure the poem will be a great success, I did not like the picture but we all have different taste and no doubt many will say wow,lol, good poem, Di
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Love reading the comments after your poem - very enlightening - this sure goes back a long ways - also says something about your writing skills that you have been here for a while and are always trying new things. as for the picture, I too wonder what it really has to do with the poem. Poem is great, by the way!
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i've read this a few times and each read is better. it's a poem good for 'soaking in'. it's all around enjoyable despite the futile mood i felt.
i'll simply applaud
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Exceptional skill in free verse. A tune is easily struck from your tempo. Very well done, the dep message here is not regret as such, but the not knowing what to do syndrome. A lot more can be made from your deep words.
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And by the way, what is that picture all about? It's offensive. A perfectly lovely piece, and you have to put that picture there.
Honestly, I don't understand you at all. -
I was thinking about this piece the other day. It's on one of the cd's that you gave me, so I've been listening to it lately. Though I had listened to this a very long time ago actually. It's been over a year since I heard it for the first time. It's not really so much a song, as it is spoken word. Which is fine, because that suits this particularly piece. I suppose you could make it more of a song, if you liked, but I prefer it spoken word myself.
Anyways, I don't know if I had told you when I first listened to it or not. Ten to one, if we were fighting at the time, I wouldn't have told you anything. And since we fought constantly back then, it's probably safe to assume that I didn't tell you, huh? lol
At any rate, I wanted to tell you that the last word on this piece is 'incommunicado'. Which, I liked. It fits, it works really well and is a great way to end this. The mystery that that word holds, works perfectly for this whole situation you projected. But on the recording, you say 'in-communication'.
And don't tell me that you did it on purpose, because you didn't. You know how I know? You pause. Yes, that's right, you pause audibly in it and almost completely stutter on the word. Most likely, you were thinking of too many things, while you recorded it, and forgot for a moment. And when you tried to catch your place, the word you snatched in was similar but not the right one. I've done that before. Though in my case, it was just a conversation I was having with someone, which isn't the same kind of permanence. You really ought to fix it. It ruins the ending, and never ceases to irritate me. I mentally correct you, every time I listen to it. That's probably why I'm on this page right now, bitching at you. Not that you even listen to me anymore. ~sigh~
Beyond that though...
I really love this piece. The language and imagery in it, is just extremely well done. It is not my favorite over 'Temporal', 'That was one hell of a fall' or 'Azure'... but it is close. It's amazing, how you write sometimes. Your voice is so strong in some of your work, your images so poignant that I fall right in, and I feel like you have taken me right along with you. I like when you take me with you.
But yeah, this paints a clear picture of a moment that has come after many other moments with her before. And though you should have no trouble speaking to her, or connecting with her on some level (for there was obviously much between you two, at this juncture), there is a defined rift... a chasm that you feel (or so it comes across).
And that discomfort, the feel of inadequacy in not knowing how to handle it, the simple task of speaking her like she seems to be needing and waiting on... and you just don't know what to say. And ultimately, can say nothing~
I felt that frustration with her. That desire to shake you, to say 'Say something damn it! Something...'
But you don't. You just don't...
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very well done. nice imagery.
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Wow very expressive lyrics, but unfortunately, I can't the song to work well enough to appreciate the song.. :/ lovely lyrics I'll give you that. They grab at my soul and draw me nearer like the beat of a drum in a coffee house.. I can image people snapping their fingers afterwards.. Great job.
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this is one amazing piece of work you have here! excellent source of imagery and i enjoyed its smooth flow to it!
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Intriguing thoughts here. Delicate arrangement of lines and images. haven't read anything like this in a while. You've really got something here.
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you are right, you can't paint/draw for shit, my midget does better stump painting.
the poem however, awesome, Her leg is pulling at the hazel of my eyes that line is my favourite, will listen to this tomorrow and read it again but can't tonight, my midget is asleep and I want to get some action so can't risk waking her.
have you read my latest post potty mouth?
Edited on Jun 25, 5:41 p.m. because ''. -
lonely encounter in a cemetery. one longing to tarry with living flesh, and perhaps bury six inches that will feel like six feet in her confines, and the other although somewhat enticed by the offer in his eyes, finds the longing to flee the rotting flesh below her much stronger, but even as she runs she is still connected by a lifeline that is seldom completely severed.... Interesting scenario to view....Artis
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Amazing!
Such Beauty!
Such talent!
Man what an inmage did I get. Your discriptions and word choices were perfect. You left enough to give us a full picture and yet still leave room for our minds to ponder!
Amazing good
You are truly talented.
~Hippie~ -
A difficult picture to write about, but I would say you have done a good job.
I struggled with the flow slightly on verse 1, and cant quite get away with the difference in lines of stanzas, but enjoyed the read.
Where is the dress in the picture? or am I missing a metaphor (never really clicked onto those too well).
All in all a good read and thank you for sharing with us. -
I listened while reading and thought that the typed word doesn't hold as much impact but it would be hard to write as this was spoken- with background voices. Although you could switch justification to go with the side the voices come from.
Amazing work, great voice reading it too. It borders on music anyways, even before that was introduced.
Very interesting choice of wording, symbolism and structure. Well done, as usual, and I'm applauding... and adding this to my favorites collection. -
Very original and unique write; well done!
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I think the lyrics speaks for them selves and poetry this has so much to say in fact volumes expressed here, thank you so much for sharing ,Linda
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from a poem perspective i will say this is a good good write even if this is lyrical
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Great write
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well, the song wouldn't play for me. but otherwise, this was amazing, the picture's a little freaky. You did an awesome job. Thanks for sharing
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ooo.. very good, especily with that song to go with it.
I loved it! very well done. Bravo. lol.
Keep up the great wrok.
SC
xXx -
Wow..this is very interesting, I've never read anything like this before. Awesome job, and keep it up.
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Nicely done.
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I am in awe. I am almost speechless. This is a really awesome poem. Keep up the awesome poetry!!!
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Both this picture and the poem are very interesting. They are different from the norm and the poem has a very interesting scheme to it. It flows really nicely. You did a really good job with this. Good job and good luck
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Great
Wow.. lol, very extract. Never read anything like it.. I love it though. The picture.. and the wording.. the flow.. the scenery. Great work here. I mean, it all added to the poem.. and it all went together so well. The song was great too. I think it definitely adds to the work.. along with the imagery. I found this to be quite amazing. Good luck in the contest. This is really a job well done. -
Great set of lyrics. It seems you are doing very well with your music. I found the song to be well written with an even mix of emotion and imagery. Can't say I am really crazy about the artwork. But I wish you the best through your music career (and in the contest).
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That picture's a real riot man! Thought that was pretty god damn funny! You got yourself a way with speaking it out. Just grab her! That always works for me! LOL
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Applaud
This was a great8 poem that will weather the test of time, a monument to the beauty of the written word. This is well worthy of applause.
Georges. -
Well you've struck me dumb! This write is off the planet! Wonderful descriptions and I love the format and flow. Just Bravo!
~Dee -
Woah, 8, that was really out there- the painting, words, and music! Cudos to the Werewolves, too! Now if you can only shame yourself into do pop music you'd be rich! (or just shamed!)
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this is great i like it alot, it kept me thinkin at the end of the and its great keep up the good work and good luck in teh contest
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Nice wording.i like that.The metaphoric speaking and the imagery u used really made me think while i was reading that.i love it.
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This is still my favorite lyric just because of the drastic imagery. Had I the money right now I would have bought the cd this instant.
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Excellent
I love the expression of your words and description. -
Quality write.
Well this one takes a different approach but yet it has a certain quality to it that makes all the verses and the imagery work. -
wow, this is an awesome poem! i really liked all the description, t made it a veryy interesting read, i enjoyed it very much. nice job here, you obviously have alot of talent. anywho really great write, so keep writing, and have yourself a very nice evening!
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This is a really great poem! I must admit that when i first saw the picture, it took me by surprise. I must have sat there staring at it, going "whaaaaa???" for five minutes....But, as odd as the picture is, I really loved the poem. It flowed so well, and I love that in unrhymed poems...sometimes people amek them so choppy. I love the wording in this. Fantastic job, and keep up the good work
~ Merethe ~
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Well damn! The contest has been closed LOL
Where the hell have I been. Still a great poem! Peace!
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But assumption has not a spine, nor a structure. This is so true! Stellar words used here my friend. I like the fact that we can be unseen whenever necessary. The imagery is vivid. I haven't seen the contest requirements but, it seems that you let your usual self out here. I love the inhabitions in all your work. Your expressions in word have no bounds. Great! Good luck with the contest. And now, I will go see if this is a challenge I want to enter. Take good care Jeremi!
Much Love,
Renee
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A+
Beautiful. The imagery is exceptional and the flow is perfect.
My favourite bit was:
"I am assuming
that she senses my presence.
But assumption has not a spine,
nor a structure."
Anyways, this is an awesome write, I look forwards to reading more of your work.
Peace. -
sir horus, i must say i really enjoyed this piece you have here! great imagery, great word diction..added a very nice touch of emotion.
favorite lines:
Compelling the lilac.
Divorcing the snapdragon.
great job!
Jen
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Cool
Yes, there are very vivid images in this piece. You really know how to use line breaks and the effect is really cool. Keep up the good work!
I hope to see more of your stuff.
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This piece is full of vivid images for me. Very surreal yet it holds onto a feeling of reality and never strays from its course. Excellent images and flow, designed to make the reader think. I must say this is a fine piece to read! It is strong and leaves you think just enough to make you want more! Great job!
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Oh yea... this is really well done. I especially like these lines;
"Her leg is pulling at the hazel of my eyes.
The rough of my tongue,
on the smooth of her thigh." wonderful !
Strong, tight writing, impressive work. Good luck in the contest :-) Enjoyed this!
~ Wendy
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Excellence
The joint smoking was inspirational, I see. Great poem with some excellent images and flow, designed to make the reader think and come to their own conclusions. Excellent wrute and well worthy of applause.
Georges -
Her leg is pulling at the hazel of my eyes.
--this is my favorite line.
this whole poem has such a feline grace to it, i find, where you slink around her, looking for attention.
me likey.
N.. -
Your choice of words was perfect. It flowed so fluently. This was a very good piece it seems as though you put a lot into this. This was truly an amazing write.
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this was great...nice flow and great use of words..hope that it goes well..well done!!
later days -
i'll agree taht it's a new way of thinking... and yeah was pretty nice... it didn't in the least bit seem forced... thanks for entering a second write!
~`Sara`~
Edited on Jul 07, 1:26 p.m. because ''. -
i love the flow...inceadably awsome. it really takes you into a new way of thinking
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Get in line. Wait!!! I see you have a coupon... Please by all means.
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Excuse me sir. I am here for my hat fitting.
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This is a moody piece, full of solemn yet vivid images for me. Very fitting for this contest, though it seems that some may have had trouble grasping the concept. One of my favorites by you, very surreal yet it holds onto a feeling of reality for me and never strays from its course. And now the obligatory well wishes: Good luck in the contest.
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Indeed, when's your birthday? We''l have to get you a compass, hat.
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Glad to live up to your expectations Horus.
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Everyone else did, and I'm not at all moved, in fact I just got done taking a shit and lighting up a joint and listening to incubus acoustic, I'm not belligerant, it's actually exactly what I thought you'd say, so I didn't even blink, to be quite honest jp.
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Everyone else did.
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Well, obviously I didn't get that from the poem. Didn't have to get beligerent about it. Thanks for entering.
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Well, because, obviously you'd know that it's a story about how I committed suicide because of my mother and I'm watching her visit my grave.
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though the piece was good i have no clue how it relates to the contest...were you drunk?
hehe jk, great poem but like i said ^^^^
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Yes, but shhh. if the jews find out, they'll jew me.
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WOW! I loved this piece!
the imagery is awsome, adding the flowers was a nifty thing.
btw, you are Jewish... right?....lol
'In the month of Shivat'
is what gavie it away!
truly,
kitty
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The end line zinger captured it all for me. I was wondering where you were going with her leaning ON the headstone rather that sleeping beneath. Her knees could not buckle because of rigormortus and the poet is being held incommunicado, while she is place beneath the high grass, and the wheels of justice begin to turn. Very, very clever write. Thanks.
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I like the seemingly metaphoric descriptions you begin with -"Overcast was the climate. Uncolored was the day." To me, this is the mood of visiting a grave. I felt your use of "a stowaway, a very interesting -- intruder" added a nice touch of tension to this poem.
I sensed the sensuality of the visitor at the grave, but reading your comment gave it more meaning. and I thought your ending was very strong.
good luck in the contest. -
excellent+
This definitely reeled me in ...hook , line and sinker . Poetic license granted without a doubt with such eloquently chosen words , and so much left for the reader to interpretate with their own imagination. My very best wishes to you in this contest
Reenie
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This is sexy and beautiful, I like how the gravestone was nameless, perhaps it is waiting for someone???
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Brilliant as always, Horus. There are many lines here that have the potential to be classic. Your description of assumption is a beautiful one, as are all of your flower references. They link the poem together wonderfully. Very nice rhythm in this piece, also.
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Polished Granite
Sigh. You've gone and done it again. Sheer poetic genius.
Death comes in many guises, some are most beguiling. Your, t'would seem, is most indeed shiny and tawny and overtly covert.
Well writ. Tastes like polished granite. -
Yeah, yeah, yeah - I loved this ...
Beatles? 
Myra -
Another brilliant entry. This is such a powerful write and one that compels to be heard. Whatever the gift of writing is, you have it for this is poetry to be noticed.
David
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The art work is a great choice and your words pull me into the magic of the poem. You are a wordsmith.
Along with the cemetery breeze; is a stowaway, a very interestin intruder
Very intriging line. Many visions come to mind. Thanks for sharing.
Much Love,
Renee
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The imagery in this is very well done. Your word choice is exquisite and I am just blown away by this piece. I love the picture and background too.
-Carina- -
But assumption has not a spine,
nor a structure.
--these are i think , my two favorite lines.
all i kept seeing was a very sensual coming together, kind of dreamy...(as in, in a dream) it's haunting almost, how the image flags down another image and bears its will upon it...
Nyx... -
getting some headstone in the local cemetery...tarry awhile and she will show you her etchings......and the gleam in a single tear is a diamond in the devils eyes.....nicely done...Artis
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Ah the imagery in this was outstanding hun
Beautifully captured, I could almost smell the lilacs and feel the faint breeze
Good luck in the contest
I think this one is a winner
Come see me too
Happy Holidays
Susan~~~~~
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Thank you for entering
David
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