Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

mortal

setting is the claim
to location, time,
and being-
it damns the ghosts.

i suck seconds
of life from every
color and shape
like the face of
a clock,

the numbers grinning
like gargoyles
at an unrequited
desire to be
born again.

i am left to
my own devices
in perpetual hallways
where doors are
laughing bandits
under death

and no matter which
way i turn,
they will wait
until i too
am a ghost
of every hour.


Author notes

Teen idol round 9
assignment 1: it's my life by Bon Jovi.

*

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • And Hyetal
    June 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    *twitch* Bon Jovi...

    I loved this one.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I didn't like line one at all, but that being said I like the idea of the whole entire stanza.

    Love the play in stanza two, sarcasm and more.

    Four is great!

    The ending fits with the beginning but didn't wow me as much as the other stanzas. Still I do think you did a great job and I love the way you took the song.


  • blackday
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The beginning didn't hook me. I actually went... what. are you serious? but as I read, I liked the poem. The ending was a really good one. The poem didn't do much in the ways of really drawing me in, but it was still good.


  • Tangled Angle
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i think this was a good song choice for you & it shows in this poem. this flowed and transitioned really well. i dont see any part that could or should be taken out, technically, a very good poem. i liked the gargoyle simile & the overall subject; the ghosts.
    i think it is great how you wrote something dark. different, for you - from what i remember. definitely shows your versatility. good job.


  • dabpunx
    May 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    yes

    thats what ghosts do. yes.


  • EvilKate
    May 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So many twists and folds of language here. Me like much!


  • autarky
    May 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i don't know, but i love this. brilliant, brilliant similes. like:

    "in perpetual hallways
    where doors are
    laughing bandits
    under death"

    wow wow wow.


  • Never Fall in Love
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this - it had a certain beat under it that kept me reading. Your last line is enviable and though I thin your line breaks are a bit choppy - it added to the effect.

1 - 8 of 8