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Not to be Continued



It's all about deceptions.

Stampedes of sympathy
adorn highways,
as your footsteps
trample train stations
and I can't get

any closer.

A thousand miles apart,
and your smile ignites -
burning confidence

with flames
that leave your memory

stamped
on foreheads -
hers.

[you left]

We spoke in codes and captchas
where you caught tongues in lyrics
and melodies -

the string of guitars
tips your fingers
as they strum chords

and heartbeats
that fail
when you text.

 

The rush pauses

and chandeliers fall

on the change of

affection,

 

you bid adieu.

So I force breath in word
and water escapes lungs
so that inhale

inflates.

& I'd move on
[like you]
if you hadn't stood
on my face
and stopped

the song.





Author notes

Entry for: Teen Idol 8 - Round 9
Song: Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's
I suddenly feel very depressed.

A contest entry

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 27 of 27

  • Ryno
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    .

  • LoveNLyrics
    October 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow! Very good! Great imagery...nice flow. Thank you so much for your entry.


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    October 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Like the way you ended this, love that you ended that song. I'm so glad it's out of radio play now.. anyway, this is a great poem, hard to keep things up so far apart. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • Naridill
    June 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    RE: to my ♥s below
    To use a simple title in an effective way is not something to critique. But thats just my opinion. I love this - it's consistent and flows smooth with such unique word use.

    • Never Fall in Love
      June 15, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      I actually dont agree with them on the title. The song was about love .. so I continued the song into a heartbreak poem. A continuation .. which wasn't going to be continued. But eh. whatever, lol.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love the single line beginning.

    Stanza one is great, strong and emotive.

    I think the images and metaphors are consistent throughout and it left you with a very strong piece.

    Excellent job.


  • blackday
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I will agree with Tyler in the sense that the title took zero talent to come up with. It was unimaginative to me. I thought of Kevin with your 'adieu' haha.

    The poem was alright, but I was more in love with that fact you used captchas. That was a really cool image.


  • Tangled Angle
    June 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I totally felt this. By far, in my opinion, your best one.

    i do think this poem was meant to be read slowly, it made more sense that way.


    "The rush pauses
    and chandeliers fall
    on the change of
    affection,

    you bid adieu."

    -the chandelier seemed random, but i do think it actually works, because of how profound & intense the image is. wow.


    entirely, it could be cohesively better.
    i didnt like the title, even though it fits with the poem's meaning.
    but this my favorite one of yours so far in the contest.


    just, wow.

    • Never Fall in Love
      June 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hrm. lol, it's pretty random, but I have an intense fear of chandeliers [well, I fear everything, but that's a different story] So whenever I have nightmares, a chandelier is likely to fall when a heart breaks - mine. SO I guess it was a personal image. Strange enough, I have two of them in my room :]

      But thank you
      *rushes to study*

      Erm, I have til tonight for the other poem, right? Cause I HAVE to study now and have been all weekend, and I dunno - this exam comes first. But I'll get it in.

      • Tangled Angle
        June 2, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        haha I got you.

        Your welcome.

        The deadline is tomorrow night at...10PM i think. might want to check yourself incase i am wrong.

        good luck with exams.

        • Never Fall in Love
          June 2, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          I'm assuming tomorrow is Monday?
          Cause it's already monday here - 6:30 am

          [the exam is the horridest one, thanks]


  • Naridill
    June 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ♥♥♥
    ♥♥
    ♥

  • aidenspektor
    May 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "We spoke in codes and captchas
    where you caught tongues in lyrics
    and melodies -"
    Very very clever piece of writing. I really like your style of writing.

  • unraveled
    May 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    nice chandni, i liked it. lots of great imagery. the middle was a bit weaker than the beginning and end, the texting thrown in there was kind of weird. but other than that i thought it was nicely written.

    -cassidy


  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    May 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That's much better


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    May 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    bbaaaaahhhh!! I hate that song *hurls all over the page*

    but to the poem
    amazing as usual dear, with amazing imagery and just the right amount of emotion.
    "So I force breath in word
    and water escapes lungs
    so that inhale inflates."
    AWESOME! You play word-tricks like no other.
    Love yoooooooooh
    Me*~
    (I don't know why I put that, I felt like it for some reason )

    • Never Fall in Love
      May 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      hahaha! Tell me about it - I relate to the song, yes, but it's a freakin love song. Anyway, I fixed this a teensy bit and now I better go study
      Thankies

      ps: you're always weird

  • Laura Lamarca gold member
    May 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    L15 "captchas" ?
    The final stanza too, it doesn't make sense. Maybe try this:

    "I'd move on
    [like you]
    if you hadn't stood
    on my face
    and stopped

    the song."


    I'm not sure of the line-breaks in this, there are parts that could be emphasised and havent been...overall though, this is pretty good. One thing I've noticed frequently in your writing though is the inclusion on "darling" either to start or end your piece...ending it that way sometimes works for the "oomph" factor, but personally I dont like it being used at the start because it sets the tone for the rest of the piece without you needing to do any real hard work in order to express the emotion...I dunno, just my honest opinion *shrugs*

    La x

    • Never Fall in Love
      May 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Captchas: Completely Automatic Public Turing Test to Tell Computers and Humans Apart
      They're used often in the internet when you add a person as a friend or send a message to them [on myspace and other social networking sites] so that generative bots don't spam all over the place.

      I removed darling, fixed line breaks - added another transition and used your suggestion. I hope it's somewhat better.

      Thanks


  • Re-invention silver member
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow... magically kept me hooked lol for at the level I'm right now,I thought I coudln't read...
    the methaphors are powerful and the meaning is there which is important.. I love it... good luck!

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