So much talk of hurt and pain
or wars we use for personal gain
People give lives but its never mentioned
only hate has taken our attention
How can we talk of peace
but only see all this grief?
We vow to give and help each other
momments come and then we shudder
We want to look better for each other
but never look in the eyes of those who hunger
So we hold our head high and let people die
instead of holding out our hand cause it hurts our pride
We pass the blame from side to side
and watch some more of our troops die
We look for people with a solution
never to see its in our constitution
A contest entry
- Alphabet Options by fakeport.
1000 points, ended June 12, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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hmmm.. the first two lines I liked the best. overall the idea was do-able but I think you can make it more hard hitting. dont ask me how
Im much better at pointing out problems than giving advice.
my suggestions being this:
........
death tolls are never mentioned
only hate takes our attention
........
We vow to give and help each other
but those moments come and we just shudder
We look our best for one another
but never look in the eyes of those who hunger
........
those are changes I would make... not that I am saying you should make them... ugh, i hope dont sound as crazed as I feel..im a trifle foxed.
oorah
oh and ps, thanks for commenting on my gaskmasks and engagement rings poem.. i am completly vexed that it isnt turning into what I want... a wonderful work of art that is..
I'll go now
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Good poem, the rhyme wasn't forced, you made an important point, and I loved it. The last couplet summed it up perfectly. Thanks a lot for your entry
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You typed "momments," but I think you meant "moments."
Wow... those last two lines really wrapped this poem up. It was very powerful. You made a lot of great poems, while at the same time, you were able to rhyme without sounding forced. Great write!
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