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As One

Nothing we perceive in this world
equals the power of your voice;
softly endearing are your words,
haunting my each breath.

Immortal determination overcomes us;
breaking through to the world.
Making it possible
to feel, live, and breathe as one

Though I have closed mself as fingers
your slightest look opens me.
Like I haven't a choice,
your eyes have my silence.
Yet, there is so much to say.

The ever so teasing sign of hope
eliminates all who grow weary.
But we will not.

Our strengths shall flourish as strong

as our weaknesses have died


Inside us both lie our wishes,
pleading out to the depths of the ocean
that we may once find peace
(within each other)
As life intended it to be.

Author notes

Wow, for once I wrote a poem that didn't rhyme.. (Remember to put that down on the calendar!) lol

I hope you all like it
Enjoy,
dove ~

In a list

A contest entry

Please, tell me what you think.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Endeavor gold member
    June 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very good, almost Excellent


    Nothing we perceive in this world
    equals the power of your voice;
    softly endearing are your words,
    haunting my each breath.

    Your writing is very mature
    both in wording and thought
    I have to remind myself of you age

    Beautiful opening words

    Rick


  • trista gold member
    June 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    Well firstly...I know what a bummer it is to write a poem and THEN see a contest it would have been perfect for that doesn't allow prewrites. So, I'm glad I didn't make "no prewrites" a hard and fast rule.

    Okay, the poem itself...

    I LOVE these lines:
    "Though I have closed myself as fingers
    your slightest look opens me."

    I found that very original, and incredibly lovely in the way it’s worded. It is sooooo hard to write anything even close to a love poem that is original, yet I think you’ve done a beautiful job of it.

    The rest of the poem is lovely too...it speaks to me very loudly of love and hope, something we find especially at the beginning of a relationship, and yes...the way “life intended it to be”. I did notice the inverted line, L3, and I thought L2 in your last stanza could use some kind of punctuation...either a semi-colon (best in MO), period, or comma. There’s a spot in S4 where you use the word “as” very close together...also a possible issue with the tense of your words there...so you may or may not want to consider changing that just a wee bit. Outside of those few and very minor things, I think this is one of my favorites by you thus far. Congrats on writing a wonderful non-rhyming poem!

    Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck in the contest!

    Much love,
    ~J.


  • Folklor
    June 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    t really beautiful. i like the fact that the pom doesnt rhyme becasue any people link love poems toa structured rhymescheme and its not true and you havejut proved that theory.
    well done i loved it particularly your beginning it wa outstanding lol
    'Nothing we perceive in this world
    equals the power of your voice;'
    goodluck


  • luna-midnight gold member
    June 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    aww wow, this is beautiful, and i really love the ending, great write nd good luck in the contest, take care
    stephanie

  • ecrivain01
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Since you asked ... ;)

    this is not bad, but line 3 is inverted, one of the things I particularly dislike about love poems. (Seems 90 per cent of them do that.)

    I don't see any reason for you not to enter it though. It's not what I was talking about when I said "no love poems". It's not sappy, saccharine, or gross (which describes 99 per cent of all so-called "love poems" I see here.)

    I can't guarantee you'll win anything, of course, but I can guarantee that the poem is fine in general. That one line could be fixed easily enough.


    • PoetryDove
      May 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your input
      I appreciate it much, considering you surely sound like you know what you're talking about.
      Again, thank you.
      dove ~

      • ecrivain01
        May 31, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Whether you enter it ...

        in my contest or not, good luck in the other one.

1 - 7 of 7