Woke up to the sun in my smile
And looked at your beautiful face
Hearing the birds chirp their songs
Forgetting all the days before
Sweet pancakes in the morning
With a glass of orange juice
You ran your hand through my hair
and stuck out your tongue
Went out in the afternoon
Told you I'd love you forever
You giggled and said ever n' ever?
I smirked and said of course
Then reality came back to me
Snapping to was hard to understand
My dream was so real
Holding your hand
Laying down in bed alone at night
Thinking of the day before
When my heart and my brain weren't at war
It was easy to say forever
Before you were gone.
Author notes
Hrm I had a hard time ending it so if you can kinda tell me what you think happened id appreciate it so I can see if I got the point across.
A contest entry
- Song Inspired (Options!!!) by ourgirlFriday.
600 points, ended June 2, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Idk whatever u want to write about lol
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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i've been looking around for a couple hours for stuff I really like, and I only found a couple, two of them are yours. You are really talented, keep it up! Trust your instincts while revising, but do not, do not, overdo it!
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awww this was great! it made me really happy!!!!
(until the last few stanzas, of course haha)
hmmm i liked this, alot! hee hee. great job in the contest! what was the song prompt? =]
huggggggggglezzz,
-adria <3
btw your screenname is amazing. lolzz
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Very interesting poem. I like it and hope you continue writing poetry
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Ah wow.
Wasn't expecting that at the end. It reminds me of that song "Dreaming With A Broken Heart" By....erm.......John Mayer? I think.....ha ha ha. I love the way you seem ed to jump from one idea to another so quickly, Almost as if they are brief flashbacks to a time that was, or wasn't
Beautifully written my friend
love always
-Max
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Aw. That's a bit sad, but I like it very much. Awesome job. Keep up the great work.
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Holy crapola!! AMAZING! I love how you built it all up to be this most beautiful relationship ever, and then...BAM! just kidding! Very well penned. Cute, and a lot of well worded imagery.
ing fer you!
Mylee -
Awww, This Is Really Sad. Short Relationships Like That Really Suck. I Can Really Relate To This, A Guy Told Me He Loved Me && 10 Months We Were Together. The Day Before X-mas Eve of last Year. && Then He left...This Kind of left me speechless, Because I know how this feels. I am now back in reality where hurt never ends. Great Write <3
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I like this piece
It fits #1 as well. Not just a pocketful of sunshine, but a personality of sunshine, in a place of escape. I think the ending is not complete, as you said...Perhaps "That was before you were gone" is more complete. I don't mind one line endings... Best of luck in the contest!
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Option numero 2
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This is a beautiful piece of work! I was all happy and lovey dovey, then you showed me the lonliness, and pain. To me it seems like the person died.... Its sad and heartbreaking. Great Write!
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i loved it so sweet
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i think they died. good job at showing how much love was there:
Sweet pancakes in the morning
With a glass of orange juice
You ran your hand through my hair
and stuck out your tongue-
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Aw this is pretty. And the end was sad.
My heart and brain are alwayss at war, dude. lol. Superswellerific.
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I got your point & actually don't mind the ending at all. I think this is a nice piece of work, the emotion is communicated & I like how it reads almost like a story...very sweet!
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I love how this began and ended Josh, its so lovey and romantic at the beinging then turns into lonelness..which i can relate to this at this time in my life. this is a wonderful poem, i enjoyed reading it.
-Nimms
p.s. i love you joshy
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i like it, it kinda reminds me of eating hot stuff
you eat hot stuff, and are in bliss...but then later(on the toilet) you regret it....
sorry for the weird comparison, but the story of the poem reminds me of it. -
Well, one of the things I like from here was how the loveliness turned out to be loneliness since I didn't expect that, actually
Hmm, the ending isn't bad at all but yeah, there should be some tweaking to it? Sadly, I don't know what to suggest ^^'
There's no need to, though if there's no other alternative. Like I wrote awhile ago in this comment, the ending isn't bad at all
Anyway, this is a good write about how anyone misses someone
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I liked this. The ending was good too. A nicely written piece of poetry. I have lived this. I am sure many have.
Kelli
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