I stand deteriorated
something festers deep inside,
a venom beyond my bones
my mind is agape,
fear comes gushing out
his perversion erodes me.
He watches me
every fucking moment
of everyday
I fail to breathe,
for I am defiled.
I pry open my third eye,
hoping it was all a dream,
instead all I find is grey matter
my bone marrow is hollow,
I am reaped of emotion,
I no longer dream,
for he haunts all of them.
He lives inside me...
He suffocates me...
He has all control...
and I,
I have nothing,
but a label.
I am just another statistic.
In a list
A contest entry
- Anything (sort of) by Puking Faerie Dust.
750 points, ended June 7, 2008, 30 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I like this much better, no weightless birds, and the metaphors are fully metaphorical. I dig on prying open the third eye, great illustration of spiritual pain.
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bravo
the all consuming victim-mind set haunts us all. If we are pushed farther than we can shove back, we can deteriorate into this. Most excellent.
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i loved this line: a venom beyond my bones. it really sums up the invasion you feel in this poem, this unwanted presence that's deeper than bone, powerful words here.
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Omg, i love this because it comes straight to the point, that as a victim you are nothing but a part of the percentage. It's dark and deep, and eye opening, i loved the line
and I,
I have nothing,
but a label.
Amazing!
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So raw and powerful. This really tugged at my emotions. While it is written to seem very dark, it is a beautiful piece. Keep it up, you're a wonderful writer.
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This was so powerful. It was well written and I really liked the ending. I hope you write some more stuff soon. Congrats on the silver.
Take care
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Very well written the emotion here is so powerful and honest.
Bravo and Good Luck!
~dawn♥ -
This poem has a raw, emotional feel to it. Some interesting images play through, such as 'mind agape.'
I would suggest, going in tone with your poem, replacing 'reaped' with 'raped' as, though reaped is a great word, it doesn't fit very well. If you prefer reap, try getting some scythe imagery or something in it. If this was an allusion to Death's scythe, it wasn't executed properly, if it wasn't, then there is no real reason to keep 'reaped.' Just a thought.
Third stanza from the top. 'He...'x3 is not as effective, in my opinion, as just one of them would be.
'I am just another statistic.' I have always found this line to be rather redundant. You used it well, so there is no real need to change it. But, if one thinks on it, aren't we all statistics. The poster protesters that yell 'Don't be another statistic' are overlooking the fact that either way, you are a part of the statistic. The one who did or didn't.
Over all, this was a strong, powerful write. I enjoyed the reference to 'gray matter' (though it is spelled with an 'a') and enjoyed the tone. Well writ!
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This didn't suck huney. You made the free verse of this poem flow so easily I read it almost like it was rhyme. You used perfect descriptive words in such a way that everyone whos been through any sort of abuse could relate to this. It was so powerful...
Great job!
-Jordanne
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I understand the hard to write concept.
I think this is a good piece, hard to read, tho, it hits home.
Good luck in my contest!
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Often a label is as much a barrier as not being able to see it at all. I allows for a convienient avoidance when the spirit within us demands we take responsiblity for accepting that we did all we could with what we knew and now we would do more. We can be trusted to take care of ourselves and not just tie neat bundles that the trashmen will never haul away.
Love, Tom B.
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This was good sweetie I loved it LOL It does not suck really it was great keep it up *hugs* hope all your work is great *smiles* later
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This definitely doesn't suck at all. It's easy to tell it's personal; each word is so heartwrenching, as if each word is physically painful to say, all your soul has to offer to the reader.
Beautifully penned, this is a killer write.
~QoA
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This doesn't suck at all!! It holds festering dark emotion of being suffocated by someone's will!
I really felt this poem.. perhaps in a different way that you meant it, but two situations really echoed this for me, one of being completely enslaved to my ex, and another of being stalked by someone.. both gave me these kind of emotions!
Very powerful write
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You shut up
I would never remove this!
Anyhoooo, this was so sad and extremely deep. As always, your diction is wonderful and the flow is el perfecto! The descriptions are horrid yet beautifully put, and you know I can relate. A great take on my previous prompt
Love you, dear, I hope you're okay 'cause this was amazing 
Thank you for entering, and good luck
Jeanette*~
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A very good poem for thinking. You've done a great job.
Keep writing and good luck in the contest
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Great way to express your self by writing...hope you feel better...good luck
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Thanks a lot.
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We are all statistics.
"You made your disorder impersonal. You took yourself out of the picture and saw only the facts. Will you ever see yourself there? Will you ever see yourself anywhere?"
A lovely conversation with the psycho therapist. It's easier to see ourselves as statistics anyway.
It's not bad, maybe it's not your best, maybe you don't like it. But it's not bad. I like it. It's touching, personal in a bad way.
Good luck
-Les -
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Thank you.
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