I sit deep within my cave of reflection
Not knowing what emotions to meditate
Sadly alone but with God
And then as the spirit of antiquity guided alone through the
Night mystically illustrating a vision no words could describe
Each framed thought filled with divine emotion
Right then levitation of a stone
And as if possessed started
Marking lines as in some prehistoric time
Blessed by some unknown ancestor
Life passes time seems to become incoherent
I see the children becoming unaware of their suffering
Not knowing that peace is just a fragment of emotion
God save us all
Sight becomes clouded by some deranged force
Oh let us pray
Faith becoming indignant as mere mortals express
Thoughts from motionless forms
Holding sighs in silence
Escaping bigotry
Having now befallen deeper into my trance
Each disconnected soul
Reaching for that song that remains music less
My thoughts become a fire that burns away sin of tomorrow
I see the storm cloud beginning to evaporate the sun
Thoughts begin to fade
Past the unknown
Oh let us pray
Each moment for that unknown poet
Thinking of reflections deep within my cave
A contest entry
- Insane Ramblings of the Hermit Poet by Great Cthulhu.
1200 points, ended June 11, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Holy...!
It has been said that the prophets of old were merely mad. You have shown an impressive vision within a vision. I enjoyed the solitary spirituality conveyed here, nicely done. These are my favorite lines:
"Each disconnected soul
Reaching for that song that remains music less
My thoughts become a fire that burns away sin of tomorrow
I see the storm cloud beginning to evaporate the sun"
Lovely imagery. Keep your pen to the page and thanks for entering!
-
A very interesting piece - perhaps a bit long, but many creative metaphors here.
Do you think it might be a little more polished by eliminating the words "and", "a", "the", "in" and "that" in a few places? This poem is so good that it doesn't need those words and they almost bog it down a bit. Also, could there be a more interesting word to replace "shows" in the first verse and "pick up" in the second verse?
Just a few suggestions since you are asking for a critical review.
I like the way you ended with the same thought as you began. Very effective.
Keep writing! You have talent.
-
Without punctuation it is difficult to keep up with the lines of the poem. I like some of the lines much.
It has a good message to share and some touching words. Shancy. -
Powerful write, William. I liked the part of not knowing peace is just a fragment of emotion. I think there is a lot of truth to those words. It's one thing for people fight for peace in wars or in marches, but a spiritual feeling of peace within a person is something else. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
Adding your comment:
