Between sun and earth
a fleet shade spot
we dots below.
Author notes
This hiaku is all about perspective. Sunspots, though far larger than the earth appear tiny, the magnificent eagle seems a mere spot against the vast sky, and to it, soaring so high above us, we are the wee dot, of no significance. A little word play, the grammatically correct, (over us , dots below) didn't work for me, so I used wee to reiterate small and read out loud as we .
A contest entry
- EAGLE HIAKU by Swan song.
1000 points, ended May 31, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
suggestions on rhythm, word choice,allusion,anyway to improve.
Comments
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Well done good luck and thanks for entering.
I like this concept and your approach you have some talent. I wonder if this could not be condensed?
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yes, could lose a
syllable then would be the traditional 5-7-5 hiaku. But I didn't see many traditional haikus in the contest so went for the extra syllable for depth.
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The first part is nice, almost expected:
"Between sun and earth
you soar,"
As it turns at the comma a whole new expression emerges:
"a fleet spot of shade" (the slightest hint on the ground)
The last line sets everything into order giving us a third perspective, that of the eagle.
observed upward, observed downward, the eagle (the object) observes the watcher(and perhaps it's lunch)
I really enjoy the sparse wording used so well to tell a whole story.
Bravo
over wee dots below."
ps. grr, now a higher standard I must strive for
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