Eight-oh-three

A Year ago Sunday
Will mark the day
When I found out my life
Soon would go astray
The night before
Was girl’s night out
So five of us
Congregated
At my sister’s house
We baked cookies
And watched movies
And gave Karen lessons in porn
But I am getting sidetracked here
So let me move on

We didn’t sleep at all
We were up all night
Even though I had to go to work
I knew it would be all right
Though as I lay my head down
At 6 am
I did get a chance
to put a prayer in
"Lord," I said, "I would give anything
If I could stay home from work"
An hour later when I woke
My eyes were blood shot and my head hurt
I showered and brushed my teeth
And went to get dressed
My sister came downstairs
Looking all depressed
She said mommy had called
And daddy had gotten sick
My tears started rolling
A puddle forming quick –ly
At my feet
And my sister could do nothing
But stare at me

She had never seen me shed a tear
And had never seen me concerned for my father
I was his baby girl
But I never acted like his daughter
She asked why I was so upset
What made this time different from the rest
And I tried to relay to her
The feelings on my chest
That this was the beginning
As far as the end was concerned
And so for my father’s life
I did begin to mourn

I drove to the hospital
And there is no way
To adequately describe
The pain that came over me
As I stood at his bedside
He was propped up
Slightly alert
I touched his arm and kissed his head
I asked him if he hurt
His lips lacking moisture
His eyes open wide
He turned his head slowly
And looked at me and sighed
And then I fought back the fear
That started to over take me
The pain in my eyes
I didn’t want him to see
The pain in my heart
That remains still
As I type his last words to me
“I’m tired” was what he said
and my breath became short
and the room slightly spun
and suddenly my brain shouted
for me to just run
if I didn’t see
if I wasn’t there
then life couldn’t possibly be so unfair

I kissed his forehead
And talked to the nurse at the desk
And I walked to the waiting room
Leaving him to rest
As soon as I saw my mother
My tears did flow
And she held on to me
And would not let go
Until I stopped crying
And said I believed he’d get better
So I stopped the crying sounds
Even though my face got wetter
She wanted me to believe
That he’d walk out someday
But I saw in his eyes
That God would not sway
In his decision to remove
My father from this world
And suddenly I was a fatherless
Daddy’s Girl

Day one was horrible
Day two was worse
Day three was New Years
Day four was a curse
No blessing in sight
As it all went down hill
As we were called in
And told there were things
We needed to do
Were we going to add
A do not resuscitate?
Were we going to sign a little form
Deciding his fate?
His brain was still swelling
He had no voice and was paralyzed
The only way to get a response
Was to watch for pain in his eyes
It was hard to go see him
To watch him lying there that way
And then I went with my sister
That was the fifth day

We had brought a friend with us
who was a doctor as well
But as she looked in his eyes
My heart quickly fell
Back to the palace of pain
In which it had come to reside
When my sister first told me
About my father’s ambulance ride
Before we left that night
He did squeeze my hand
And I wanted to tell him I loved him
But I didn’t understand
That it would be the last chance
I was ever to receive
That night was the last time
My father locked eyes with me

The sixth day was the day
When we got the call
I was expecting it to come
But not expecting it at all
We rode down in silence
What was there to say
My father was being taken from me
And this was the day
The family sat in a room
And tried to say what was best
Let him go in peace
Or become a vegetable like the rest
The doctors spelled out
All of what would occur
My head began to spin
The fans began to whir
And I wondered how
It could possibly be
Maybe last night
He had been saying bye to me

For hours we sat
Not ready to say goodbye
Then a rude nurse popped in
And said he had died
No forewarning or tack
As she threw us in a state of alarm
If I ever see her again
I will do bodily harm
And on that day I was tempted
To push her out my way
As I rushed to disprove
The words she callously did say
And when I reached the room
He did lie there sleeping
But if he was only resting
Why did I hear myself weeping
And hollering
And losing my mind
Why was I listening to hear
His heart beat
Just one more time
Why was I stretching my vision
To see if the oxygen bag would lift
Why did it feel like I was free falling
Off the worlds highest cliff

His eyes were closed
His chest did not move
My mother said it was unreal
So I began to assume
That maybe he did not
Lie before me sleeping
And suddenly my conscious mind
Understood my weeping
Last prayer was given
Though my attention fled
And with it any real faith
I ever had
The time that was called
Was eight-oh-three
The time when my father
Was taken from me
Eventually we did
Turn to leave
And I turned my head back
Expecting too see
Some sign that we had
All been wrong
That God was in the wrong key
Singing the wrong song
When we made it to the exit
I realized we’d come to the end
And I shed tears as my heart sang
That my soul would never mend

I was now a daddy’s girl
Never to be held by
Her Daddy again
 


Jaylynn
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