Rolling on, holding on, soaring so high
That spirits so lifted up take me on home.
I feel the call from it all flying on bye,
So joyful and cheerful wherever I roam.
Freedom still living well, strong in my veins.
The crystal air, sprinkled fair, cool in my chest
Brings to me ecstasy, never it rains
Inside of me, setting me free from the rest.
Beautiful, meaningful, light on my face,
Comes to me bringing the dawn of the day,
There I find peace of mind knowing in grace
That from the night, morning light takes me away.
Tall trees of greening leaves, tower on high.
Beneath in the shade there I stand and I wait,
To see the sun lifted on high in the sky
And know that I’m drifting on freedom and fate.
Author notes
This poem is written in dactylic tetrameter
(Dum de de)(Dum de de)(Dum de de)(Dum)
A contest entry
- A Happy Contest! by Peachy.
1400 points, ended June 9, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments welcome
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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a TRULY MARVELOUS PIECE! kEEP UP THE GREAT WORK AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS WITH US HERE AT AP!!!
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This is the first dactylic tetrameter poem I have read. I really like it! The rhythm of the third line is a little weird because the heavy stress falls on the work "from." It wouldn't be so weird later in the poem after the rhythm is solidly established. I tried to think of a way to rework the line, but I can't. I must therefore applaud you for your use of this form; it's not easy. In the 3rd stanza, "piece of mind" should be "peace of mind" and in the first stanza, "bye" should be "by."
I can't tell you enough how much I love this form, and you have written a beautiful example. -
Love your use of words A refreshing poem.
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Really nice piece. Loved the rhyming in general and especially the internal rhyme in line's 3 and 6 (amongst a whole bunch of others.)
Really like this line as well:
"Beautiful, meaningful, light on my face,"
The rhythm is also really great. Excellent job on this piece from every angle!!
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Excellent
Ah, 'tis a fine write indeed. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine. Perhaps, you might like to check out the "Charters of Freedom", website. Here's a link to their website: http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/
One last bit of info: Restoration of above documents.
http://www.nist.gov/public_affairs/Charter/charters_of_freedom_project.htm
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The last stanza was amazing!
The rhyme was almost lyrical and absolutely perfect. Nice word use and it said some good things.
Good Luck! -
I like this a lot, in particular the last stanza. I lean towards agreeing with individuality regarding meter; natural flow works for me...but in reading this aloud I can hear how the rhythm adds substance to an already satisfying write. A very enjoyable experience.
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seemed more like iambic to me until i counted though i never really pay attention to those beats other than what is in my head, but go with my own for i feel to be out of the way one has to make waves, a few here and there to get the traditionalists ranting on form and meter etc if we all stuck to the way of old would there be anything new or would we stagnate in poetry? there has to be visionaries in everything - who break the mould etc, anyway i am rambling on form and missing the poem, it is good
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what a great scenae you have written taking us therein the middle of the beauty of the nature..just a wonderful thought converted into the amazing poetry..well done...
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Hello!
Well done on this ! I quite liked the meter of the poem, not exactly something I have come accross recently and yet it was a pleasure to read. I liked the use of simple wording, it seemed to me to aid in expessing the "freedom".
Nice to read something of yours again!
Keep well.
Himler
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Could stuff more
yo!
i like this.. i can feel the energy pulse through the words. although your images are simple, that's what makes it freer. still, i can't help but put in that i probably expected more. i wanted to read and experience more, and you still have the space to add more images. perhaps even changing the wordings might work. i feel metaphors missing. give us comparison. a new image to toy with, to stamp in our memory. i guess this wasn't memorable enough is what i'm trying to say, and i know you have the ability to squeeze out more from your head.
one important thing: the moment i started reading this, i couldn't help but see Constantin Brancusi's sculpture "Bird in Space" in my mind. I was reading about it yesterday in this fat book.
Google it. It might just inspire you. 
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