sweet chariot

MORE THAN ANYTHING I WANT US TO BE OKAY
i screamed at you from black text on white screen,
from wires of separation and months of anger

and you said nice try, but i don't love you and i never did.
ouch.

turns out i'm an alcoholic, took me
three years to figure it out, one year of constant vigilance
against the monster trying to kill me.
i think at some point we all realize the fight isn't worth it
and that's when we pull at our hair and
that's when we climb trees at sun rise and sing gospel hymns

swing low, sweet chariot
coming for to carry me home


when we finally realize it's got us already
that's when we stumble and laugh with no feeling
that's when our smiles lose all purpose and we just go through the motions
when we're okay with our destiny
because thousands of others have puked the same liquor and
smoked the same weed
and died the same death that we're heading towards.
swing low, sweet chariot

we sit and wait for something more to happen,
we stare at our idols from behind glossy moments in time
and we wonder where the lightning is.
where the party is, where the sweet escape is

we wonder when we can finally rest in peace,
when we don't have to fight to live or drink to live or fight to think or fight fight fight
when we can just be at peace
swing low, sweet chariot
coming for to carry me home,

it's at that moment when the future doesn't matter
and hellfire is more welcoming than waking up again to the same harsh lighting
to the same throbbing head,
in the moment when we don't give a fuck because we've spent the last year trying to care,
fuck,
it's at that moment that using isn't glamorous and it's not pretty and it's not even fun, it's just better than fighting your thoughts. it's just easier.