i measure the breadth
of ankles in quicksand,
for she is sewing
apple skin into my flesh,
and she is the dusty serpent
who bears no fruit
in the sun.
and someone says
that i will become pale
as the day passes,
and swallow copper cancer,
before she swallows me.
maybe she is
vocal chords in the
void, the sin of regret
denying the dust
in its blood.
and she will
call to skin cells
to be her gods,
the question of why
one must be trapped
between bone and breath.
i wandered barefoot
down her venus smile,
turning quick to sharp teeth
and no tongue.
and i will drive myself
dry to reach the center,
only to end up
bone shards in the sand
and she
licks her lips.
Author notes
yes. i know. and i'm sorry...
i personified the desert. as someone i know.
written about "Hotel California" by The Eagles.
*
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 8: Underdogs vs. Newbies (Round 9: Top 6) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended June 5, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I don't like all the spaces between stanzas, for me its just a flow issue.
That aside, I really love the images and emotion in the piece. I also enjoyed how the ending dangled a bit. Really strong write. -
You kept up the metaphor pretty well through the whole poem. Some of it, I went 'meh' 'cause it just wasn't personal & stand out to me, but the poem as a whole wasn't too bad. Also, the ending stanzas were just a huge run-on. I wanted some closure there, personally.
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Wow Chase, harsh.
Hah. Thanks... it's.... hard to close because right now, the person I'm dealing with has no closure, and I won't have any closure with her for a long time.
But I understand what you mean. I'll think about it, because it would make it a much better poem, probably.
*Sigh. If only that worked in real life. -
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You don't have to use anything I say. I'm just one opinion. If it works for you, go with it. haha Don't take any of it personally, seriously. :]
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It's better to come off like I'm listening than as a stubborn bitch with little to no poetic humility.
And I want to get better. Everyone's always like WE LOVE IT, and I just want to hit them and say, "Give me some criticism so I can make it better."
So thanks.
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i think there were some filler words you could have taken out - would have given it a more poetic feel & would just flow better. [ex: "the" in a few places]. i absolutely love the opening. it reminded me of valor's poem in the group assignment a few rounds back -- but i think you brought the same concept & gave it a new face, a new parallel. i like how you made it your own. i do think that your personal poems are your strongest, because it isnt just metaphor and poetic brilliance, but there is passion and personality. one of my favorites of yours so far in the competition.
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FUCKING AMAZING IMAGERY.
with that said,
i also love the metaphor. i'm not sure why, but i really like this one. maybe it's because of what i know about it...but you captured it so well and so beautifully.
uhhhm. i think the first stanza, the opening, could be stronger. but that's the only suggestion i have. x)
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Do I know anyone who seems desert-y?
You have stumped me. It is true.
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