She's No Beauty Queen

"She's no Beauty Queen, but I wouldn't trade her for a thousand Playboy Bunnies."

You'd think that after hearing those words again and again, it wouldn't hurt so much, but it does! 

I know I'm not all that ... I never was ... and I know that when he says it, he's not saying it to hurt me.  In fact, he's says it to let me know how much he loves me, regardless of my phycical appearance.  But it still hurts! 

In have always said I'd take the truth over a lie any day, but I think I would make an exception on this one.  Every woman want's to be beautiful, or at least told that they are.  It must be a female thing. 

To the ears of a woman, to be told that you're no 'Beauty Queen' is pretty much just another way of saying, "You're not much to look at!"  I can't tell you how many times men have commented on my 'Inner Beauty' ... but I could probably count on my  toes and fingers how many times a man has told me I'm beautiful inside and out ... beautiful in every way ... and the truth be known, those who have said it were most likely just hoping to get under my skirt anway.  Tell a Woman she is beautiful when she know she's not, pretty much makes her putty in a mans hands.

At first I thought I was making a mountain out of a moe hill, but last night he said it in front of another female.  She had to have felt my inner pain because she reached over and put her hand on top of mine before she left the room.  After she left and he went in to take a shower, I could no longer hold back the tears.  It cut deeper last night than it ever has before ... and it would explain why he seldom makes love to me without me asking him to.  Night after night, after night, he lays in our bed beside me, hugs me and kisses me on the shoulders before he rolls over and goes to sleep.

I have seen him online telling other women how beautiful and stunning and glamorus they are ... because they are!  And although I don't say anything to him about it, it kills me inside!  I so want to hear him say those words to me, even if it is a lie.  He has said I am, "Easy On The Eyes" but it's just not the same. He loves me like no man has ever loved me before and I would never leave him for any reason, but it would be so nice to hear him tell me I am Beautiful instead of intelligent and beautiful on the inside.

If he loves me for my inner beauty, then why bother to put my makeup on, fix my hair or make any effort to look good for him?  I can spend an hour TRYING to make myself someone he would be proud to be seen with or to have him say, "Honey ... you really look nice today, but he doesn't seem to notice the difference when I've spent an hour to catch his eye or if I've done nothing above and beyond for him.

So ... after I'm finished here, my makeup is going in the trash! If he loves my inner beauty he won't notice the lack of color to my face anyway right?

I am what I am and that's all I'm ever going to be.  Stunning on the inside and whatever it is I am on the outside.