Consumed by
one-track thoughts,
his loco-motive mind
caused sanity to
become derailed.
Dementia boarded
at the next stop
as memories
of mental health
speedily departed.
Age was the fare
paid to embark
on this journey,
sold at every
station in life.
In a list
A contest entry
- Great PICTURE PROMPT!! Quickie! by sailor ptolema.
451 points, ended June 1, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Great poem!
As always, you handle extended metaphor with grace and ease. Well written. I enjoyed this very much and got a chuckle out of "loco-motive".
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wonderful metaphor, a truly unique take on the prompt!
I love placement of the dashes!!! "Loco-motive".. heehee so witty...nice play on words.
You describe Dementia in a wonderful way, yet its sad too...they way you say that the minds of some elderly start to 'derail'..but can also happen at any stage in life.
well written, great form, flow, and metaphor usage!!
thanks for entering and g'luck! -
Nice turn from the image to the dark message it carries... Well done.
Ken
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Wow! I like this. Anyone who has a family member or friend affected by dementia can defintiely relate to the progression of mental illness versus suddenly waking up 'insane' or 'mentally ill'.
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Last stanza, line 3: "sold at the every" - I'd remove "the".
Just me, though. I'm probably missing something, like I always do, and will end up looking stupid like I always do when I dare to critique your work. LOL.
Anyhow, this was EXQUISITE!
I could hear "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum softly playing in the background as I read this. I love this metaphor, and the idea of dementia is one I consider regularly (being mentally ill in youth - what the hell will I be like if I actually make it to older days? LOL).
You explored this topic with care, confidence, skill, and gentleness. Are you sure you shouldn't change your major to psychology?
Great job!
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No, you're right. I originally had "the last station in life" than changed it but forgot to take out the "the".
Thank you, sis.
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you continue to amaze me with your metaphor usage... wow.. this was a great take not only on the picture but on the meaning of train wreck... great job.
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WOW.. I thought this write was going to talk about a real train wreck.. but you blew me away!! This penning has been put together wonderfully, it flows so well and gives you wonderful imagery... I love this write.. Thank you soo much for the chance to read it!
~*Cristy*~ -
Amazing, the way you do it. The whole poem was perfectly in tune. Using the words the way you do is genious. I loved this poem.
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