Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Tuesday 1.30am, outside on Swann Street

 

 

 

Angeline: on the corner of Swann street

waiting for him-

 

she knew he'd come

so many questions in his head

words he wanted to hear

crossed the lights at Bar Fringe

 

impaled the cig she'd been smoking

to the tarmac, slicked her lips

popped a breath fresh mint

 

waited

 

- well baby, what do you want to know

                                          about her

                                          the nurse

                                          the one who owns me

                                          whose secrets I know,

                                          what makes her

                                          tic or toc or take time

                                          to extremes?

 

 

ask those things, no man might dare

i dare you

 

the spark in his eye

made Angeline smile

she always knew he had what it took

to get her

 

- balls of steel, baby

 

 

Author notes

okay, Angeline sometimes likes to play out.... this is for a certain gentleman, Darin...... Thank you baby

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 41 of 41

  • cvillelisa
    June 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    Much enjoy the vision of the impaled ciggie.

    I lose the thread of the story a bit at the "well baby ..to the end ..

    I think it is because he doesn't arrive but she starts talking to him?

    Maybe you are being Joycean and Angeline is having conversations in her head?

    Obviously a poem gift for someone anyway so what difference does it make, truly whether I understand

    Good luck in the contest ..

    Lisa


  • jantastic gold member
    June 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I do enjoy when Angeline comes out to play. She's still got it.



  • zochit2me gold member
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Playful and confident she is...
    This has an almost black and white movie feel to me...
    Me likey alot
    You are so damned clever you are.

    balls of steel, baby!!!

    I am in love with this.

    Thank you for entering and good luck.

    Becky

  • grm
    May 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is only completely awesome...Angeline has replaced Demerol Debby as my fave fantasy companion.


    personally, i'm sticking to my brass balls...they look nicer and have a much richer sound when struck.



  • IronIcecream
    May 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    caution
    health may seriously damage smoking

    otherwise nice poem



  • Desiree Darkk
    May 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this. Has that Sam Spade/film noire feel to it.

    Suggestion line 19 drop the to? That old "never end a sentence with a preposition" thing.

    Nice to see Angeline out and about again.

    Desiree


  • tara wilson gold member
    May 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this definately has spark


    I love it & thanks for writing her again


  • Nicolette gold member
    May 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Like, like, like the playfulnesss here...

    and of course the confidence. Loved the ending, gilly - this is super poetry. Cheeky...!!

    ~ Nicolete

  • Rowan gold member
    May 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I read this last night, but was too tired to comment; so I knew I had to come back this morning. This is fabulous poetry, the line breaks work beautifully, and loved that ending, hon. Just fantastic poetry as ever.
    K.


  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    May 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Surely what it's all about

    Love and knowledge walk hand in hand. How can anything be loved without being known? Real knowledge lives in us, becoming what we are, lover and beloved meet and in love all is made one.

    All is an expression of this essential love affair. Some expressions are thinner cloaked like this one here.

    Again... the extraordinary to be seen and made real in the ordinary, right in the heart of it. We are given real places inside ourselves to write from.

    Sol


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks luv... sigh sigh sigh

      yes it is all there, inside the layers... he loved the poem ...


  • Cannonsfire
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You just left me speechless Love, C


  • Lucy.
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Reads as mischievous, love the last line, lol.
    And I'm liking this layout too.


  • Night Hope gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You knew I'd come. Swann Street made me. Brilliant & bold as always, my Friend. Good luck in Becky's contest, Sweetie. Angeline rocks. Wanda

  • Suzanne Dia
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm thinking maybe toc should be tock, but really that is poetic license as both are onomotopeias ..and i spelled that wrong, too

    Lovely writing, though
    I like seeing Angeline get mischievous.




    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      hehheh... he wanted her to play out, so she has... LOLOL

      and hmmm maybe tick tock, but then i thought that was a bit twee and normal and i'm not normal


  • DogFish silver member
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ...a lot happens a hours I'm sleeping soundly!


  • apples fell
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I didn't find any spelling mistakes or odd syntax issues Gilly. I was wondering about "swanne street" but it's obvious it's not meant to be spelled as "swan" as it is a street, so, that I figured out on my own.

    I've never been a big fan of the "....." in poetry but that's each to their own and if you like them, that's all that matters.

    I really enjoyed the almost factual flow of the poem. How it writhes before the reader with a sense of longing. The best part is the list like stanza towards the end. Something punchy about that and I enjoyed the diction you used.

    And that ending, cheeky.

    I likes this much-um.

    ;

    Will return if I do think of something else that stands out as strange, etc. Promise.


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yes hun... Swann street is 2 n's lolol and it's 5 minutes walk from where i am now... and it's one of my favourite streets because of the Band on the Wall, which is an all time favourite venue of mine, and it is happily being re-built ... woot

      and the .... have gone now, you're right





      thankie luv


      • apples fell
        May 27, 2008

        Edit | Reply

        I figured that as we also have some streets around here with some otherwise misspelled names, like: "gumm avenue", "beautie drive" and one we just saw the other day, "shooe lane". I'm not sure how some of these even passed the board but then, everyone knows small towns will pass anything to get shit off the table...lol.


        • DogFish silver member
          May 27, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          I came to the conclusion long ago that English spelling was devised to terrorize small children (like myself) in school (now there's a wierdly spelled word for you) and help teachers to cow us into corners! English spelling is based on the "No Rhyme No Reason System "!


          • apples fell
            May 27, 2008
            Edit | Reply

            God I hear you there dogfish. Me being in the states and living daily in and out of the grocery store you see a lot of weird pronunciation type deals. Also had a teacher who was half blind and couldn't hear well and use to tell me to listen to the way he sounded words out. Can you imagine that scenario. To this day I still remember him leaning down real close and practically drooling in my ear is horribly loose tongue. use to call his green tea, "green tee". Even called him on it once and I think pissed him off. Oh the good ol' days of my youth.

            ;


          • NurseChilly gold member
            May 27, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            hahahah... you should some of the crazy shit stuff over here...

            a street near me, cheeryble stree.. everyone calls it cherrybell street, everyone, including me... lmao


            • DogFish silver member
              May 27, 2008
              Edit | Reply
              English with all its idiosyncrasies is quite wonderful... as long as people don't use them to hit others on the head!


              • NurseChilly gold member
                May 27, 2008
                Edit | Reply
                i have a t-shirt with the slogan, you say tomato, i say fuck off ... on it..

                i never wear in front of my mother, even now...

                mind you, she kopped me once, on an unexpected visit with an Ann Summers t-shirt on .. which reads. when i grow up i want to be a proper nurse, i did this job so i could look at mens willies!.. she just said

                Oh, Gillian!! lolol

                i was 45 and still glowing with utter embarrassment .. lmao

                • DogFish silver member
                  May 27, 2008
                  Edit | Reply
                  Unfortunatly, those sound like T-shirts Jane might wear...just to T me off!


        • NurseChilly gold member
          May 27, 2008

          Edit | Reply
          oohh there's loads of places like that over here too... infact one of the best places visited as a child was a village in Cornwall called Much Crappin... still remember it to this day


          • apples fell
            May 27, 2008
            Edit | Reply

            LOL. I want a street around here called that, not a village. Hell, I want to live on that same street so I can tell people to come to my house on much crappin...LOL.

            • NurseChilly gold member
              May 27, 2008
              Edit | Reply
              'i live on a crappy street' is what you want to say... lolol

1 - 41 of 41