afternoon sizzles
in corroded skillet
quivery lips of
famished stomach
drool puddly excitement
impatient hands give
in to stillborn
nutrient
i'm a satisfied orphan
third degree burns
prove it
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lol well I can see the title was product of muse but the content is more complex... The meaning I can't seems to get it out either because Im tired or because Im dumb today
anyways I love how you used less words to express it out clearly and almost profesionally.. which is something I dont see much
but rather not so I can enjoy
Well there's nothing else to say.. but you did an excellent job!
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The last three lines. That's where it's at. The most powerful lines of the poem....that could have stood alone, of course with the addition of 'i have' or 'the'...my thoughts.
Brilliant!
p.s. i remembered the applause this time! -
I don't usually like things that are written like this, all the space. I think I like quick poetry, but I really dig this. The imagery is really great. Nice piece.
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I love this
I leave you alone for a few hours and you come up with a masterpiece??
You used nirvana in your title. That made me smile
I really loved the kitchen/food metaphors... The sizzling afternoon is a very creative image, makes me think that the afternoon is what you hunger for, that you are eager to live and feel things. Somehow, this makes me think of 'misery of love' because from this poem I pretty much get the opposite feeling. The "drool puddly excitement" line says that as well and it's a very... expressive image Love how the lines decrease in length in the forth stanza, that sounds a bit like a disappointment, which the word "stillborn" suggests as well. Giving in also sounds like a compromise to me. And the next separated line... it says the exact same thing to me, there are some apparent contradictions in this bit that make me think of settling for less. And I just adore the last couple lines (well, I adore the whole poem, but...). Makes me think of something I wrote once, but which you hopefully didn't read because it was a huge venty thing. It's like saying that you have the sun, fire, warmth, all those things that could symbolize love, well-being... but they're so much they end up burning you, having a negative effect. Also love the connection between the title and the final couplet, they just relate so perfectly. Kind of reminds me of Icarus, and that's neat.
I wonder if the concrete thing I get out of this poem is right And, by the way, it's nice to see a short poem by you again. It's so powerful, full of wonderful imagery, and says so much I wish I could write like this.
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What keen detail usage. I was talking to you earlier about the whole food thing and what I was eating at the moment and this takes me to that conversation. Not sure if it was on your mind as well or what.
The "drool puddly excitement" line was cool beans and I can appreciate how the poem starts on an almost innocent food idea and slowly becomes darker. By the end the "third degree burns" brings other things to mind, possibly a little bit or morality.
What is it about a poem that makes someone stop in their tracks? I mean I know that attention to detail is important and proper word use but what really makes us read and stop? Why do we have this reaction to something as simple as a grouping of words....
Well just some food for thought really but I can't help being reminded that a poem no matter how small or how long is a great poem as long as it reels us in and does not let go easily.
Very good use of sound and organization also. The lines are well done and the imagery is important, you can tell that foreboding aspect was intentional.
You do poesy well.
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