I called you by name though you weren't home
but I can see you as
you pack a pretty punch
packing your sudden bags
it seems peace time takes such casualties
or the war keeps them silent
beneath the screams of constant shelling
giving us the obituaries to read after the treaties are signed
I was watching you leave
but you were still around
And I questioned my own priorities
trading small fish for sharks
more teeth, but more flesh to feed on
but that doesn't make it my bill to pay
because you found a bigger fish too
the envy of your friends
and you'll ride it into another heartache
I was watching you leave
but you were so hard to see
I thought I saw you reach out
with a couple of heavy handshakes
meant to draw me closer to the bait
before it's gone for good
and a couple of smiles
so friendly they could only be false
and when you sneak out the back door
I'm still on the floor...
...watching you leave
but you were already gone
Author notes
You can't see me but I'm waving goodbye.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Are you always saying goodbye? Well, I suppose being inspired by sadness is as old as time.
Onto the poem-- I liked some lines, I couldn't explain some lines, and some didn't jive with the rest with the others. Your "packed a pretty punch" was very reminiscent of your earlier poetry... that wit + image + similar vs. juxtaposed (alliteration meets irony).
What I do like about your poetry that you haven't shaken out of is how much you are truly in your own head, and how actions out here in this reality become impersonated by other artistic actions in your lines. I don't know if that made any sense to you, but I get me, so send me a line if I need to try again.
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Liked the middle stanza a lot, some of that off-beat symbolism, with the small fish and sharks. I was confused by "more teeth, but more flesh to feed on"... are you comparing the two? That was my first interpretation, just because of the syntax, but now I'm guessing it's just the shark... in which case, the more flesh to feed on becomes even more puzzling.
The last one's pretty literal (perhaps too much so?) but written well. It definately inspired some emotion, though, and I kind of want to throttle whoever's doing this to you. If that is not the emotion you wanted to exude, it could use some tweaking, haha.
The one I had the most problems with is the first, because of the war talk. I'm not getting how it fits with the poem, or what you're trying to say with it, in terms of the whole. Oh, and the last line of that stanza is longer than any other of the whole poem, it's just a little distracting. But that's just me.
So, um, sorry for being so down. I really liked the poem; I'm just better at tearing people down. I've been reading the few poems you post, sorry I haven't been commenting. Drop me a line sometime, and you can rant all you want about whoever and whatever.
-G
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