my life is an empty void...
so full of regret and remorse....
spinning in this lonely life i cannot stand to survive....
but somehow i keep trekking through...
dizziness and nausia over come me...
all colors turn to black...
i cant stand not knowing how long this will ever last...
i want the chaos to stop coming...
and live a complete life....
but the void keeps growing....
and darkness clouds my mind...
no light shed upon my window....
so i continue to feel lost and lonley.....
the direction of my compass seems to be broken.......
the needles start to spin again and again.....
and as they do north fades into east, and east fades into south, and south fades into the west......
then there is nothing left....
but a confussed, lost, lonely soul.....
and as it drifts within the wind...
it soars.....
but remains forever gone....
lost with the void that over takes it untill it is never more.....
all i ask is to be honest......
Comments
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the 'periods' are called elipses and there are usually three, but i like them in your poetry, they give a dreamy, swept flight to the words and tend to rise the lines, some of which are long, up at the end ... it is a nice poetic technique which sometimes is used for the reasons I just described ...
the confusion you write of, the chaos, begins with sadness, lonliness, regret, remorse ... guilt perhaps at the root, perhaps a feeling of being a victim ... near the end of the poem their is a focus upon winds, compasses, needles of compasses, these confused as though within a bermuda triangle ... and then your soul drifts, alone, but then ... it soars, a word you may not have thought of as a word for powerful, purposeful flight without the need to use wings ... but it is a hopeful word, and your last two lines of lostness and foreverness
set the stage for a final line which you might consider as a form of redemptive value (something a poem strives to do often against the will of the writer, to show that the beauty of the human heart, though feeling and pumping desperation, demands a certain nod of love from its owner, and so you have set the stage for this with the word soar ... which is what pollen does, and new things become born from pollen ... hope is a strong poetic idea and give a poem great power when the poem is already only powerful ...
just a suggestion
fine work
Moqui
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oh wow....... thank you... i must say that when reading what you wrote almost brought me to tears...... for no one has ever seen my poetry for what it truley means... and i thank you for that.....
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I like this poem but i think that it could be better without all the periods at the end of each line, maybe it just me tho.
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I'll be your light you wish to follow... I love this its so dark and powerful, full of emotion great write Raven
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haha... thanks lol... you know that im a dark person lol..... and sooo full of mysterious things lol... but you are the same as well......
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Your welcome
yes we are dark yet so full of life its interesting.
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