Paint it black and take it back,
I ripped your soul and tore your heart
all for my own purposes.
I painted red roses on your coffin door,
wrote the eulogy so elegantly
waiting for you to fall.
Sprinkling your soul among the brown earth
draping it in hues of greens and yellows
the only closure you'd ever get.
With razor blade precision I set the stage,
so naive, so sweet you were.
So easy to bend, to break.
Such trusting eyes, how beautiful you were.
How I loved you,
loved to hurt you, to make you see.
Such a perfect point of view you had,
till I twisted it with my tales,
my stories...
Truth is....
I loved the way you cried.
Author notes
You hurt me. So I hurt you, Baby, and I'm not sorry. You broke my heart, then apologized in those false tones. So I played the game, took you back willingly, exuberantly even. You always were so naive.
It was easy. Truly easy. The things I've seen in my life, belayed to you in soft tones, shaky tones.
You fell. The beautifully naive person you were died that day.
Remember that day, It was a Tuesday, when I told you what I really thought of you.
I've always said I was sorry. But I think I've finally realized, I'm not.
A contest entry
- Clean your Closet. by surface--tension.
500 points, ended June 10, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be harsh, be specific.
Comments
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"I painted red roses on your coffin door,"
Deeply dark. Ah, and so foreshadowing of death!!
"I loved the way you cried."
A perfect ending full of raw truth...ouch!! Loved this line. It sums up the entire poem succinctly and is just awesome...=]
Suggestions:
"wrote the eulogy so prettily"
The word 'prettily' sounds a little strange here...Maybe 'elegantly' or something to that effect? In fact, the word itself ('prettily') has always struck me as an awkward word through and through...However, this may just be me.
"My words cut like knives,"
Cliched phrasing...Maybe "My words bleed you like knives"...Or maybe not use the word 'knives' at all--maybe something more specific, like a razor, a blade, a scythe, etc., etc.
"loved to make you bleed that is."
I just don't like this line...
In fact, the entire stanza with the blue eyes just threw me off a little. It seemed unnecessary and cliched...how often do you hear about blue eyes being "beautiful"? Every eye color is beautiful if the person is...
LoL, anyways I think your poem would be so much stronger w/o this line (or the entire stanza).
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