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Transaction of Lies





I'm all out on warrants;
you're stealing my lies,
throwing ash on old fires
and framing the proof -
the bottles are tokens that you can't deny
in broken apartments and last minute trains.

You'll keep me waiting;
I'll keep you annoyed
with pranks and sarcasm
to distort the truth -

you'll call my best friend and I'll whore with yours.

The iron is bending,
the stones are now strewn
to stretch all the limits and seam all the flaws.
The cause has meandered,
the bones have decayed,
we start from the prologue and skip to the end.

Conclusions are scribbled on contracts for show
while you drum on heartbeats and I'll play your breath.
We'll dance for exposure and dwell in our faults,
assaulting commitments,
and re-live our crimes.

We paste flames on embers and misplace our souls,
discolouring failures in amber-like hues.

I'll shatter the concrete,
you'll dig up the graves
across asphalt pavements to save our covers
and bury our minds -

you'll favour star-gazing, I'll prefer the soil
'cause you couldn't care less

and we've got no time.

When distance then wanders,

and conscience free-falls,

the fondness collapses

and we're all alone -

 

but you'll pull the trigger,

and I'll lay the plan -

we'll murder each other

and die on our own.


 

 

 

 

Author notes

"Are you both still raging and fighting
in your death-house of broken promises?"

- Sandy Jeffs [Book: Blood Relations]

Also for: Teen Idol - Round 8
Song: Six Feet Under The Stars by All Time Low

A contest entry

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 33 of 33
  • ...I was not actually aware of this song (I'm British if that means anything) and I briefly read through the poem before hand and assumed that it would be a negative poem...once the track came on I felt a bit more of a sarcastic tone to the whole thing (in my opinion) which was actually a very good contrast...and I like contrasts...yes...so...it's a good thing...

    ...I actually like your style of writing on this piece...it has a very steady pulse but at the same time it changes around a lot which is very refreshing for me to read...well done you've done it again...doesn't matter that the song wasn't to my taste...

    Oliver

    • The song wasn't to my taste either, lol - but I had to choose from a list for this rounds contest

      If this makes you feel better, one round we were actually assigned a song and I [very unfortunately] got "Hey There Delilah"

      lol, you must be glad I didn't give you THAT poem


  • Kiss the girl--x
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'The iron is bending,
    the stones are now strewn
    to stretch all the limits and seam all the flaws.'
    &...
    'you'll favour star-gazing, I'll prefer the soil
    'cause you couldn't care less
    and we've got no time.'
    &...
    'but you'll pull the trigger,
    and I'll lay the plan -
    we'll murder each other
    and die on our own.'

    I love those lines & there was so many more but it was getting close to copying out your whole poem.

    this was beautiful, and full of amazing, vivid imagery.



  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    September 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The second & seventh stanzas are my favorite, and then that last stanza is just so perfect I almost can't take it. How many millions of couples fall under that stanza's umbrella? I shudder at the thought. Excellent write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.


    whisper


  • Darkwell
    June 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a great write! i really hear this one as a song

    I'm all out on warrants;
    you're stealing my lies,
    throwing ash on old fires
    and framing the proof -

    i love the tie of words here from warrants to stealing to framing to proof

    very well orchestrated and the ending was unexpected and a strong finish that made me read it again

    thanx for entering it WTG!!!


  • Exodus gold member
    June 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Last stanza kicked me in the face. You are seriously impressive [as if I don't tell you all the damn time ]

    This was one of those wierd poems that had so much rhythm I could almost hear it as a song.

    Beautiful as always darlin'

  • aidenspektor
    May 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very, very good poem. The rhythm, the words, everything fits together very well. Nice job!


  • simpliciti
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    amazing

    this is an amazing write! The title captured me and I was curious. Then upon reading, I kept going as if in a trance...very well done and even though all the verses are powerful, the end just blasted me away! Best of luck to you in this contest!


  • ShaddowsDarkened
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    amazing write

    It was a really well written poem. thank you for featuring this. I really enjoyed reading it, my favourite lines are:

    When distance then wanders,

    and conscience free-falls,

    the fondness collapses

    and we're all alone - 


    once again thank you for sharing this.

    keep writing,
    holly x


  • Uniquely-Scarred
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow fantastic i loved every word i was gripped from the get go there is some wonderful stuff in this piece of poetry and it has such drive and flow i loved it, ill need to bookmark it!

  • pruedence
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "When distance the wanders,
    and consience free-falls
    the fondness collapses
    ans we're all alone-"

    I love that verse...feels empty yet fulfilling at the same time..well said, wonder insight...thanks for sharing


  • Iris Doyle
    May 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you'll favour star-gazing, I'll prefer the soil

    LOVE that line!! Great poem

  • JWGoethe
    May 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    stark, angry, and absolutely stunning. Excellent write. Killer details drive a message that cuts with a razor's edge.

  • Irisheyes35
    May 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Good poem I like how you your feelings.Extremly creative.Keep writing.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i'll agree with tyler slightly, there were a couple of places where i think you could trim a bit -

    but i like your style, you are unique and you are always able to hold me attention and give me emotion.


  • Naridill gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This moves with the words. A very well structured conversation with oneself - as I said before, the flow is exceptional and method of words within just hits the spot perfectly.



  • Empathy Reborn
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you did a good job establishing and keeping rythm

    deep, thought provoking... i swear if there's ever a contest i'm interested that YOU enter... i'm out lol

    • Never Fall in Love
      May 27, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      lol - but when you do improve [which I intend to make you] then I'm going to make you enter stuff that I enter

      • Empathy Reborn
        May 27, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        lol- i'd like to see you try, hmph! (dont hurt me! *looks scared*

        but thanx for that... it's nice to have someone take a serious interest in me and my work... i look forward to working with you...


  • Tangled Angle
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was wordy -
    but this is probably my favorite one of yours so far. You are getting better and better everytime.

    I like the rhymes - they were good for emphasis & controlling the pace of the poem. Good precision.

    I do think if you take out filler words, it would be more concise. it would flow better too.

    i agree with everything she has my heart said about the poem, except for "scribble" i didnt have a problem with that -- i think that was a personal thing for him.

    but yeah --

    i didnt like the ending.

    it builds and builds and builds up & then phhhhtt!! a flat ending.

    2nd stanza was a good idea, but too straight-forward. i think if you blended some kind of image in there, it would fit cohesively with the rest of the tone of the poem. the idea itself is good at connecting what was in stanza 1 to 3.

    now i'm ranting. haha but this was very good, no matter where you place.

    • Never Fall in Love
      May 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      - Added to second stanza,
      - Put back scribbled
      - Added more to the ending

      I couldn't take out the filler words without seriously messing the flow

      But thank you... little boy


    • Never Fall in Love
      May 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I can change this a bit now, perhaps?


  • autarky
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "seem all the flaws" ... do you mean "seam"? or am i just weird?

    besides that,
    it...it sang! i was reading this in my head and it had a RHYTHM to it! which, for some odd reason, made me unbelievably happy.

    "We paste flames on embers and misplace our souls,
    discolouring failures in amber-like hues."

    great, great lines. well done; it transitions really well and the consistent theme throughout brought up some fantastic imagery. and then, of course, there's the sing-song part.


  • Death of the Author
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This had a realll flow to it. I just breezed through it first read...now I suppose I should read it more analytically

    "throwing ash on old fires" mmm me like

    The last 4 lines too actually...and the subtle "token/broken" (I like that all the way through actually - the rhymes/ near rhymes/ assonance)

    Second stanza seems a little flat, a bit sparkless

    At first I thought that said "the irony is bending" I like it either way lol

    Nice alliteration - not overdone

    Meandered/decayed - nice words and good last line of that stanza

    Hmm..scribbled..good word..I just don't like the sound of it

    Drum on heartbeats - I like

    Good last 3 lines - got real pace

    Not sure about guises...but other than that a strong, slightly anticlimactic ending after all the imagery you've built up before it.

    Good luck x

    • Never Fall in Love
      May 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      ooo - gracias
      I changed the second stanza .. well, the end of it.
      I like irony, but it'll change what wanted to say
      Changes 'scribbled' and 'guises'

      You're the best

1 - 33 of 33