And he said this to me
then she said that to me.
The stars were shining bright
but only I could see.
And as we spent ourselves
on shiny ballroom floors,
maids came in silently
and softly closed the doors.
I had such brilliant thoughts
all flowing from my lips.
They wanted more and more;
I only gave them sips.
Guests leaned in close and sighed.
Each wanting just one kiss.
I asked each one of them,
“And would you die for this?”
When at last morning came,
in her sheer golden gown,
maids picked the corpses up
and lay the rugs back down.
Author notes
Looking closely, you will see a Vampire Ball. In the first stanza, the guests admire the hostess so much that they don’t notice some things they should have noticed. In the second stanza, the ballroom floors and servants indicate opulence while closing the doors is done so the guests can’t escape. In verse three, the hostess taunts the guests; leaves them wanting more. Next, she hints at their fate (And would you die for this?) Lastly, the night passes. Morning, wearing her sheer golden gown, comes. The guest have been “had for dinner” so the servants carry out their dead bodies. The dancing (verse 2) has ended so the rugs are returned to the ballroom floor.
And sleepy eyed, she withdraws
to dark where she can rest
with delicate wrists laid soft
upon her silken breast.
That means she goes into the basement, gets into her coffin and goes to sleep.
A contest entry
- PIF QUICKIE/IMAGE PROMPT by imahealer.
675 points, ended May 27, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
It's all good.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I am amazed at the rhyme here. I almost didnt read it because I noticed it but decided to anyways. This doesnt sound forced in the slightest.
The story itself is something Im not quite sure of. I like it, but I cant place my finger on if its supposed to make me feel...dingy for a lack of a better word. Either way, brilliant write. Highly impressed
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I added Author Notes.
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I absolutely loved ALMOST all of this story in poetic form. You set the stage at the beginning, leaving all wondering what the maids had to do with the tale. I the last stanza, that is where I get stuck. You start it by saying "In her sheer golden gown" then skip over to the maids picking up the corpses. I might have said "she watched as maids". It felt to me like a fragmented verse. Everything about this poem flowed so smoothly. Your rhyme was spot on. Meter was perfect. I know what you meant. Wish I had seen this last night, to give you time to edit. I will have another contest where I will except pre-writes , and I'm certain when edited this will win. I feel so bad. I really want to award this gold, but in all honesty, I can't Thank you so much for this entry.
Linda -
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I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. Had to go tend sick out-of-state relative. Just got back.
"When at last morning came,
in her sheer golden gown,
maids picked the corpses up
and lay the rugs back down."
This is meant to convey that morning was wearing a sheer golden gown when she came in. It would have been more clear if I had said "Morning" mayhaps. Thanks for the review.
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Wow...that's so pretty. Kind of an ethereal beauty, simple, but very profound in a way. i like it. It's very vivid, nice job!
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