i left in late june with an excuse
about a job on the sea
and some good friends from school
who had invited, insisted on me.
they even had complex personalities.
i'm a writer, a liar
who can keep his own teeth
god, how'd i make it out
with no place to stay? i think i need
some clothing, i need to fake
some weight. i know exactly
what she'll say, you haven't been eating.
you ought to be eating.
your grandma's part italian
she'll die if she sees you like this!
i didn't raise you so selfish,
think of your grandma.
she's part italian.
she'll die.
but i'm glad that you're back from
the water
and do you
need a sweater? it's cold outside.
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Another great one. Parents are oh so fun, lol. The flow was pretty choppy but it worked extremely well. I loved the last stanza. "it's cold outside" reminded me of how my mother always says things that are pretty obvious.
One suggestion, though. This:
"...with an excuse
about a job..."
It seemed a bit wordy, the way it fit in the rest of the stanza. Maybe try:
"...with the excuse
of a job..."
Not much of a change, but I'm finicky like that
Great piece 
Jeanette*~
P.S. Your work does have a sort of lyrical quality, but don't shun the idea. The internal/off-rhyme works, in my opinion.
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awesome. i saw this from the homepage spotlight, so i'm glad your poetry is already getting a lot of attention this is good. unique.
-cassidy
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Yeah, I saw it there yesterday and was so surprised. Thank you.
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I really like this and how you've woven internal rhyme and a story into it so naturally. Your style is obviously creative, personal, and loud, and it seems you're pretty much becoming one of my all-time favorites. I love the bit about the sea, and then returning from the water... makes me think about leaving family to go overseas and then returning... I like how this is in emotional and not chronological order, makes the piece even more poetic. The bit about the sweater gives your poem a very neat closure. Also really love the second stanza, it's my favorite part, particularly the Italian - death repetitions... such small detail, one's ethnicity, and yet it signifies so much. I love this one a lot too
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Stark writing.
I don't think I need to say that your second stanza is your strongest because it's basically the main part of the poem, but hell, figured I'd say it anyways. I'm usually not a big fan of punctuation such as "!" but it doesn't bother me. Maybe it's how you've applied it to your poem in general. I find myself on most occasions being forced to feel something when such punctuation is applied, but again, you do so in a way that doesn't strain the poem. On another note, I hate being caught between the write and the imagery but you also seem to keep that from happening.
This is unique and I very much enjoyed it.
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i love this whole thing-the last three lines of the first stanza especially. i actually wrote something very similar to it-something about writing being an art of lying or something like that. i hope you put up some more of your writing and i hope its like this
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thank you. i will try to post more writing, but poetry is difficult for me. i actually write lyrics, for some reason the transition is ending up a lot harder than i thought it would be. but i am trying.
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