Exciting Olympic News!
I know we're all looking forward to the Olympics when a load of physically over-developed drug-fuelled loonies compete for tin medals and TV advertising contracts. But all those dreary 100 metre jumps and things are SO FUCKING OLD HAT. Here are the NEW Olympic challenges....
1000 Miles Rendition
In this exciting event brave teams of armed men must take their transport plane to a secret Middle Eastern destination, capture an unarmed innocent towelhead, fly him 1000 miles and then torture him to death. The US is expected to take gold, silver and bronze - mainly because there are no other nations competing. This is a very expensive event to enter as it costs competing countries their reputations.
Avoid A Dentist Marathon
In this unusual family-orientated event, a two-generation family must avoid all dental appointments for five years. After this, a team of judges selects the family with the worst teeth. Great Britain are favourites here, with Ireland and Albania strong contenders. The US has tried unsuccessfully to get this event banned from the Olympics as they claim it is unpatriotic.
Dim Sum Eating Race
China are the favourites here. The giant Beijing-born How-Manhi Kanyu Eeeyit won gold last time and is expected to pull it off again, provided he does not have a cholesterol-induced stroke. The team from Darfur are banned from entrance.
Fuck A Llama
After a great struggle Chile and Peru have finally managed to get the IOC to include this traditional Andean sport. The Argentinians are likely to take third place if they can stop tangoing in time.
Oppress A Whole Nation
This is likely to become the most hard-fought team contest in the whole games! The US are favourites (Iraq, Afghanistan) but the Israelis (Palestine) are strong contenders too. Host nation China is putting up a great show: certain of bronze for Tibet, they might rate even higher by September! Zimbabwe likely to be disqualified for oppressing themselves.
School Rifle Contest
The Americans see this as their national sport and are likely to take all three medals. However, the Finns have been in training and might surprise us all. The Russians are dark horses here as they might do another Grodzny on us.
Rig a Presidential Election
After two stunning wins in 2000 and 2004, the Americans are likely to shoot themselves in the black this year. Zimbabwe and Belarus will be battling it out for gold. Iraq stand a good chance of a bronze.
Miscegenation Relay
Traditionally Brazil and the US have always done well here. However Great Britain is worth watching as we are entering a team from Brixton. Ireland are trying to get religious denomination redefined as racial; if their appeal goes through, they could well steal the gold.
A contest entry
- Come up and see me, make me smile. by tarcus.
1147 points, ended June 21, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is this not a lovely tale?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Truth has always been stranger than fiction. I checked, my local cable provider has blocked a few of the broadcasts. But not to worry Fuck a llama is on at six. It figures all the shooting comes on Monday afternoon. great humor something we need more of. Thanks,Boog
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EDNA? of course its you, who else would rant so lovingly about the abillities of robert mugabe.
(I deliberately use small letters as i do not deem him worthy of consideration within the human race)
Nice to see you keeping up the satire front.
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I think they should combine Fuck A Llama and School Rifle Contest to, Fuck A School Of Llamas With A Rifle. I don't have time to get popcorn between separate events.
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Looked for your entry and this had me chuckling immediately at the wit and satire, 'though I was expecting something a bit different. You show the cutting edge once again. Well done, best of luck.
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This is a fantastic piece of satire. You are definitely on top form! I have an urge to show this to my Politics teacher, who loves this kind of thing - may I? Obviously I will say it is yours, and not mine!
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Yes, lovely!
But I note with surprise that this is an entry for a contest called "Give me nasty". Surely Edna could write something much nastier with very little effort.
Anyway, I find this entry very entertaining, which is more important to me than maximum nastiness.
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This is indeed a lovely tale. You had me howling, my favourite is the Fuck a Llama, New Zealand could be a contender here. School Rifle Contest deserves applause all on its own. All are gems, you've done well! Good luck for the gold.
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"How-Manhi Kanyu Eeeyit"
so many great gems in this one Edna but the above had me laughing out loud. you have soared to new heights with this Edna...and damn you for thinking of it first
you forgot one new event though
The two faced cuban... in this event competitors cut off all ties and trade with a neighboring island nation for a generation then try to use a piece of that same nation as a prison for foreign nationals who they dont even want in their own country...the US has been training heavily in this event and is expected to win all three medals.
sorry had to add my own...enjoyed this immensely Edna dear...peace
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The 2-faced Cuban is part of the modern political pentathlon...
1. Rig a presidential election
2. The two faced Cuban
3. 1000 Miles Rendition
4. Assassinate a presidential hopeful
5. Elect a warmonger of choice [a]female or [b]geriatric. -
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would that be the Grand slam of the olympics? and do the special olympics have the same events?
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The fine 'Fuck a Llama' event
Is better performed in a tent
This calms down the beast
And ones score is increased
But ensure that the canvas ain't rent.
The contestant should put up a yurt
To ensure that the beast isn't hurt
And ensure as well
It's spelt with double L
Not a single L Lama named Kurt.
(The last line refers to an unfortunate incident where the British team, the Perfidious Sheepshaggers, kidnapped a German lama from a nearby monastery. I believe this was why the event was removed from the games in the first place)
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For fuck sake Edna - you're only posting this now???
How the fuck am I going to have time to qualify for an event now?????
Although being Irish (and partly british - on my mothers side - which I may say is a source of great shame on the part of my fathers extremely nationalist family) I may qualify for the Miscegenation Relay if the Irish do get Catholicism redefined as a race rather than the pissy excuse for a religion that it is!
Jesus Christ I suppose you'll be expecting applause for this as well?
huh?
oh here have some -
(begrudgingly I applaud)
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