clearing the air.

this is because across the universe changed my life, and you were asleep-- you said it was boring.

this is also because i need space to travel, to meet people, to be alone and experience new things alone so i can grow inside me. because i need the space to explode into a million fragments of creativity and flirtaciousness and undecidedness at any give time. and because, where once i liked the feeling of being locked in your arms, now i feel choked, held-back, suffocated.

because you can't understand my poetry, so you just don't even bother asking about it anymore; it lay unopened in your backpack for months. finally you gave it back saying you had forgotten all about it-- all about it, my heart, my soul, you just forgot about it like some assignment.

because now i have to question if i'm getting bored with you or if i'm just trying to find something wrong.

because i like to fight and you don't. i like the anger and all the truths and confessions coming out all at once, i like problems being fixed, i like the makeup process. but you avoid it, so i have to start everything and it makes you more upset than i think you need to be so i get upset, too.

because i'm miserable that your sister said i was controlling and told you to break up with me-- but to wait until the end of the school year, so you can keep using my parking pass.

because i'm sick of all the smoking, idiotic, pill-popping idiots you associate with, and how you say things to impress them, and you only smoke and act a certain way when they're around. you're malleable and i hate that about you. i've even told you i hate that about you. but now that i'm crazy it's getting even worse.

because it used to be you'd write me things, but now you don't even try. you pick up some flowers from the store and get me skinny vanilla lattes (which you know are my favorites because they're all mary kate olson drinks) and that just doesn't have as much heart.

because you're not the artist i envisioned myself with. you have no passion, outside of cars and video games. you can't create universes with your hands or even sculptures. you don't understand art and art is everything i love about the world.

because i want to travel and be by myself for weeks or months and i can't do that if i have you.

because i used to want to spend every day with you, but now i miss hanging out with other people. but i only have two days off a week and i think you'd be insulted if i tried to spend those two days with anyone else.

because i believe in coincidences and i went to a lover's tarot thing and got this:
"It's time to get real -- reassess your priorities and relationship honestly, and determine if you have reached a dead end, are living vicariously or beyond your means in order to buy love, affection or happiness. Realizing your own self-worth will allow you to rebuild your own foundation. You can develop trust, appreciation and pride in natural, simple pleasures and rewards."

because i love you and i'm extremely attached to you and the fact that i'm even thinking about this and writing all this out makes it real and it means i'm doubting. i do this every single fucking time. i always want more and i can't just learn to be happy with what i have.

because i feel miserable in my own mind, in my own body.