John's Letter

Dear Abby,

When you read these words I’ll be dead. They won’t let me see you because they tell me I must suffer and that claws my soul. I’ve loved you more than my own life; you’ve made me happier than I have ever thought possible. I have no regrets, none at all. I blessed the day I brought you, your eyes revealed such spirit I felt I could love you. I can still recall every moment, every touch, every sensation of that cold February day, but we didn’t care about the temperature. I couldn’t help myself when I saw you, distraught because I’d thoughtlessly chided you. I’m so sorry I did that, but I had to, I couldn’t risk you. I was sure she already knew how I felt, betrayed by my own body; you’ll never know how often I had to turn away from you. But when I saw you there, I swear, I wanted you so much I could barely contain myself when I was finally inside you. You were so perfect and I loved you then more than my own life, I couldn’t tear my eyes from your face and I loved you so, I really did. I love you, I love you in spite of all they’ve flung at us, and I’ve never loved anyone else.
  I wanted to watch you every moment when you slept; I longed to share every thought, every dream with you. You touched far more than my body, you touched my soul and always left me contented.
  My time draws close, when the sun’s up they’ll drag me to my end, and I pray you’re not there, I don’t want you to see me. Remember me as I held you. Remember me in the first light of day with the sun filtering through our window, when we first awoke, or of when I loved you, not for what I will become. When you read this I’ll be cold in the earth and I pray you’re safe. Don’t seek me out, you won’t find any resting place, I know what’ll happen to my body, there’ll be no grave, I’m condemned and I will die as such.  But I won’t die alone; I know you’ll be with me, your letter close to my heart. I loved you, I always will, you must know that. You loved me, and you still do, I know you will love me always. These will be my final thoughts when they place that bitter rope about my neck. I pray you’ll forgive my cowardice, my failure when you most needed me. I always swore to protect you, but I let you down, and for that I’m so sorry. My final thoughts will be of you, of your face as you loved me.
Your image is imprinted on my mind and your fingers will touch my flesh.   
  Farewell, such trite words. Rest assured that no man could have loved you as I did, no man could have desired you as I did. I yearned to protect you but when I was tested I was found wanting, and for that I am sorry. Believe me when I tell you, I loved you. I will always love you. I love you. Be sure to take proper care of yourself and the future we created. Think softly of me from time to time, that’s all I ask. But always know this and never forget it, I love you.

John.