Once upon a time, there was this nice story
The gentle hands of two passengers were held together
Between the grief of the world, they were alone
In their own little square of happiness and love
The fairy tale grew smoothly, sprouting the joy
Smiles and laughter were heard, not interrupted
By the windy, stormy passings of nowadays' reality
But who told you fairy tales always end happy?
Your words of commitment and sweet, shiny kisses
Were all of them gentle lies for the moment?
The bond was tied with a strong chain to my hand
But who knew the rotten rope was by your side?
Walking hand in hand with the sin of my doom
I found out about the raw realm surrounding me
The embryo of trust grown inside me was aborted
Thinking I evaded my past, how vain to think so
Crouching inside my despair, stabbing my heart
With my own knives of foolishness, yet not enough
My feelings were not dying, coming back against my soul
And the syllables were whispered into my ear
While your numb, innocent face didn't know my truth
My keys were taken, to the valley I approach slowly
As I step on the gas, my life with you passes by
The bottom of that dry valley welcomes me with death
You can find the answers in the news
Unaware, I stepped on, and from hell
I call you, inflamed with my grief
My ugly, dumb soul is finally resting
A contest entry
- Isn't She Lovely [Broken] by Nothing But No.
425 points, ended May 26, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 15 entries, no comment from judge, free shinies! by DarkHunter.
450 points, ended June 5, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark PW's by RX-Queen.
900 points, ended June 26, 2008, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wow me! (Diffrent topics to write about) by Play-A-War.
330 points, ended June 30, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The sadness has consumed me and now I see nothing else... by Leanna-bean.
475 points, ended July 1, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Something Sad by LittleDecoy.
900 points, ended August 31, 2008, 85 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Different Kind Of Dark... by Horrific Hollis.
700 points, ended April 10, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Wow. I like how this is set up. The beggining and middle just kind of linger on and your not sure whats happening but you know there's something and then BAM the ending is strong and sums it all up perfectly. Well thought out and written. I really liked it. =]
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AMAZING poem..
i can relate to the feeling of despair that you give off towards the end.
"The embryo of trust grown inside me was aborted
Thinking I evaded my past, how vain to think so"
i loved those two lines..it gave me something to think on. =)
great job.
good luck in my contest.
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I think the title "Bottom of the Death Valley" says it all. I truly enjoyed this piece. Great write!
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it's amazing how much dir en grey can inspire someone isn't it?
good job -
Well I have to say that wasn’t the same old same old, it was pretty different to a certain degree =]
This is full of a lot of emotion and I like how you expressed it all. Good write.
Good luck in the contest
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wow, alot of emotion, I really liked this part...
"I found out about the raw realm surrounding me
The embryo of trust grown inside me was aborted
Thinking I evaded my past, how vain to think so"
Great word choice, thanx for entering and good luck! -
bravo!
oo I REALLY liked this!
So very original and oozing metaphor!
congrats on gold, you deserved it!
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Congratulations on winning gold. I would have rather you removed your author comment that says you suck but hey.
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This is such a great write. I really loved the line "stabbing my heart with my own knives of foolishness". Well done for this and all the best for the contest.
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I too have to disagree very much, this is very good, I am impressed by this. Don't be so hard on yourself, this is great!
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Forced to Disagree
I am definitely gonna disagree with you, I loved this. The metaphors weren't stupid cliched metaphors or over the top, but perfect for whatever verse they were used in. For example: 'Crouching inside my despair, stabbing my heart
With my own knives of foolishness' is an very excellent use of metaphor to me. In the end of the poem you can feel the heartbreak of the person from whose POV this is written.
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AMAZED...
im very impressed with you.. im glad to see you know of nice stories though it sounds foreign coming from the depths of your mind... its great to see you describing the "nice" things and although it always comes back to the valley of death and the wounds of betrayal, which you render with more understanding then anyone should have, perhaps it is good that your soul can rest, flames of hell or not.. a broken soul will lay where you let it and find refuge in the stillness... a comfort in the numbness.. wonderful job...
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one side
So many times this story is told I think, although you seem to have a flare for telling it oh so well. So many times we are betrayed by those we allow ourselves to trust because of our heart. We know it is not good for us, but we let it happen anyways in hopes of what might be... Your poem itself is very nice and shows the denial when we are put into this sort of situation. I hope you do well in the contest my friend.
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I really really enjoyed the majority of this piece. Right up until the very last stanza, then all it's depressive beauty kind of withtered and dissipated. A brilliant write none the less. Thank you for entering, and best of luck in the contest.
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