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wedding reception

a glass had shattered the mirror
tempers had flared and erupted
he tripped and tried to get near her
her life had been interrupted

tempers had flared and erupted
she let out a scream in the room
her lover had been corrupted
her best friend was kissing her groom

he tripped and tried to get near her
when she pulled a gun from her purse
the shot could not have been clearer
he fell to the floor with a curse

her life had been interrupted
as she turned and ran out the door
the party had been disrupted
he laid there and bled on the floor

 

 

 

Author notes

Retourne:
Like so many other French forms, the Retourne is all about repetition. It contains four quatrains (four-line stanzas), and each line has eight syllables. The trick is that the first stanza's second line must also be the second stanza's first line, the first stanza's third line is the third stanza's first, and the first stanza's fourth line is the fourth stanza's first. Retournes do not have to rhyme.

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • sailor ptolema
    June 19, 2008

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    excellent!
    oh wow!
    so great!
    loved this!!!!!
    a good reference for when I dip my hand into Retourne


  • Ithica silver member
    June 4, 2008

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    Dipped in darkness and an excellent Retourne!!! I'd have shot the SOB too!!! Congrats. on the Gold!!!


  • HaleyMary
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, powerful, dark write, Sis. Powerful imagery. The words convey lots of emotion, like a mixture of heartache and anger. I never understand why people cheat on the ones they supposedly love. Cheating is something that a person who truly loves another would never do. Thanks for sharing and congrats on winning the gold.

  • Papagallo
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my so sad. I know of a groom who made love to the girl at the desk as his wife waited in the bridal suite. Makes for a great start doesn't it? Your poem was very well done.


  • Desire gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Oh My Word!!

    What a sad situation indeed and reminded me of a movie~
    where the groom walked in on the bride~
    same ending but roles switched~ You weaved a tale
    Brilliantly
    The rhyme just flawless...
    Loved this

    Congratulations on Your Trophy win!
    -Throws confetti-
    Woooooooooo Hoooooooooooo


    Thank You for sharing Your Talent and Spirit~
    Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet Soul
    Best wishes too
    and much love~ Desire~*~


  • Pure Thought silver member
    May 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Retourne

    to another gold
    to another perfect poem
    to eden


  • poettrical
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    lol what a lovely wedding experience - no seriously the retourne was perfect cause repeating the same lines in different places sort of shows chaos and confusion - the only part i didnt like was that she pulled out the gun from her purse cause it seemed artificial - id see the bride bashing his face in with a candle stick, ripping her wedding dress and running outside in tears - just a thought


  • NeonRose
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations, friend! Amazing, as always..spot on form and a great take on this prompt.


  • marlene47 silver member
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ooooo, I like this form! I've never seen it before. Nice! Everything extending from the first stanza (my favorite one). Great rendition in 8 syllable counts - makes it flow in a slightly agitated/Strobe light way. Enjoyed this!
    Congratulations on the GOLD!
    Marlene


  • paulcreates silver member
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a beautiful example of a retourne Amera. L3/L9 are my favorite, "he tripped and tried to get near her" I don't know if it was intentional but this could have a great double meaning too, in addition to the more obvious problem of the "best friend kissing the groom", the groom could be "tripping", (taking drugs) and trying to get near her.
    Great job here!

    Paul


  • And Hyetal
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is quite a shocking write, but so well done! Only you can do it this well!

    The third stanza was very powerful.



    ~Cassie


  • Nothing But No
    May 26, 2008

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    I wouldn't know but I imagine no greater heartache than to be there on your wedding day, a day which you're supposed to be able to look back on as the happiest of your life and have that happiness ripped from your hands. Brilliant write. Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.


  • PerVirtuous
    May 26, 2008

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    Ah, there is nothing more heartbreaking than a lover's betrayal. This captures that feeling well. Should do well in the contest. The meter was wonderful. The story powerful. Bravo.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ummmm
    That wedding invitation you were going to send me?
    I'm away that day!!!

    Great dark writing


  • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    a different thing to include within a poem, but written so well and throughly enjoyed Amera



    Cindy


  • Kiran silver member
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this was brilliant...this was an unusual theme for a retourne but I still enjoyed it and thought it flowed wonderfully.


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Quite a hard-hitting, almost brutal theme for a retourne. I am almost surprised at your choice of this form. But the repetition conveys a confused scene, or even the same scene in the eyes of several witnesses.

1 - 17 of 17