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Poor

you can dance

does having your gas turned off

make you that much colder

are you arrogant

or miserable

i'l never know

you are above me

i am below you

(that glass half empty thing)

i know this poem is out of place

just swing your hips

will the china teacup you remind me of

shatter

 for lack of movement?

would it be so bad?

A contest entry

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Comments


  • in the snow
    May 27
    Edit | Reply
    thanks for the tips.

  • exalted
    May 26
    Edit | Reply
    you have two typos- "bellow" should be "below" and "shater" should be "shatter". you have some interesting ideas here, but i think you could have told them better. the contrasting is unnecessary: arrogant vs. miserable, above vs. below.

    your themes are really interesting, although there were some technical problems. thank you for the entry,
    -cassidy