saturday smirks at me
and sets up his cot
on my chin
days don’t
pass by
they live
on me
in rows
&
rows
like stubble
and i’m down
to my last
razor blade
i’ve never been
good at
rationality
since you
cut the logic
wires in
my brain
sunday tosses his
laundry bags
under my eyes
as if i’m
his mother
these hands know
nothing about
bleach and detergent
they only wish
you’d travel through
their hiking trails
but you had
the park ranger
pollute my forest
my despair has
become your
spectator sport
nothing else
gets you off
In a list
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Hello
Came to visit because I saw the snippet of this poem on apples page, and loved it. Not disappointed at all that I've read it all now.
I started to copy and paste a few favourite bits to put here but it became far too numerous. May as well put the whole poem in my comment and say I love it all.
But okay...
in rows
&
rows
like stubble
Love it! Love how you've set this whole thing out on the page. I adore using few words per line and you've done it so well.
these hands know
nothing about
bleach and detergent
And the next part too, and the part that's already on apples page (which I think it's still the most intriguing part, for me) and the ending.
See? All of it.
Only irk would be, not sure about the 'ration(ality)'. Just distracted me from thinking everything else was brilliant, but that's just me.
So glad I passed by.
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Hi there! Thanks for stopping by
Your comment is just lovely! I'm happy you enjoyed my misery
. I too enjoy using as few words as possible, it's my usual style .
I'm happy you didn't just leave me a superficial comment with just what you like. Feedback like that helps me grow. You aren't the only one who doesn't like that ration(ality) bit, like two other people mentioned it haha . The poem is supposed to have an Orwellian feel for this multiround contest thing I'm in and I think I just got a little carried away with that idea right there. 
.
Thank you again for the comment, I'm off to your page. I may check out some stuff now, but I'll be back later to actually comment.
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"these hands know
nothing about
bleach and detergent
they only wish
you’d travel through
their hiking trails
but you had
the park ranger
pollute my forest"
i don't know if its just my pervy mind or if this is actually about what im thinking..
but the images going through my head are spectacular!!
god;;
you and james have this way with words&&format that is like a quickie in a bathroom stall.
its incredible!!!
♥ ♥
[[alexsis]]
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I love this still. I know I already commented once but you know, I can get away with coming back as you love me like umbilical cords tied in effigy.
Lay with me sweet man. -
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awwwww!!!
that line is fucking adorable!!
((you are quite the charmer james))
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Sardonic and sweet
I loved the everyday imagery of the routine and ordinary that comes in the way of love. That our daily lives have lurking below them the possibility of poetic drama. Keep writing.
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awesome! Anyone that's been in a relationship that lasted longer than it needed to knows this is truth. Mad PROPS!
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gosh life is tough!! lol
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i like the casual language in the final line. this is used to excellent effect.
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Everything from saturday to stubble is just beautiful. I don't know if you like critiquing or not, but I'm going to offer one up.
I don't like "ration(ality)" with the parenthesis like that. I've never liked parenthesis in poetry, and I can't really defend why I don't like it or why I think it's not poetic, so it's always a useless thing for me to say because it's really just personal preference. But I would hate if someone thought that about one of my poems and didn't at least tell me, even if I disagreed about it. But it's a great piece, I just had some thoughts. I feel bad always praising people, so every now and then, I change it up. -
I'm speechless this truly sums it up you were able to put into words how i've been feeling lately. Incredible.....
my despair has
become your
spectator sport
nothing else
gets you off
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I guess I must have told you this already, but in case I haven't, I love this. You have taken such a creative approach to the prompt.
The title is clever, though outside of context it would sound cliche. I like how there's so much double meaning in it. Well, perhaps not just double; I can see a lot of things in it, beside the allusion to the ministry of love. The first thing that comes to mind would be, of course, the typical idea of heartbreak, but seeing the theme of your poem (or the initial theme you had thought of), makes me think love may actually be personified, that love is actually the one feeling miserable when someone can't feel it.
From the first time I've read the first few lines, I just loved the idea of days smirking at you, growing on you, having you do their laundry. The whole part about days seems to have a very powerful message about feeling bad (OR dead), not caring or not having the thing that you care about. I can also get the idea about days imposing themselves on you, kind of like Big Brother - you have to live them even when there's nothing exciting or good to them. Actually, now I've thought more of it, I think the forth stanza and how it's so minimal and spread vertically makes a point... it shows how long those days you speak of are. The repetition works very well too, that I never doubted Love the chin motif, how these days really do grow on you, as a part of yourself, plus it sort of makes me think how one's chin can express emotion... it sort of makes me think of someone crying or on the verge of tears whose chin is trembling, but instead of that you have Saturday on yours and can't shave it off. Like I said, very nice to use the razor blade motif originally; here, unlike in most places it's used, it is not a symbol of death but of breaking free, of revival. The "ration(ality)" is very smart and I love it... and the next stanza is somehow fascinating, I guess because of how you seem to draw a parallel between the human brain and a computer, which does sound Orwellian to me Oh, and the laundry bit also seems to show how these days are a burden to you (and it is a wonderful example of showing with your words, instead of telling). Then you also come up with a couple stanzas with a nature-related metaphor in them - I can't get just how your poems can use so many very different motifs, and yet stay focused and so tightly put together. And that ending is just genius.
I honestly don't understand how you can stand me anymore
But truly, I love this poem. Good luck in the contest
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Golly I love that ending. Reminds me off the semi-hot conversation through IM that we, ahem, had earlier. I'm also coming into this knowing some of the background and that helps to. I'm not sure if the ration(ality) bit is too showy or not. I don't think it feels completely significant to the piece if you want my honest truth babes. I do like the way " in rows & rows " tumbles down the page and draws the reader to the imagery of an unshaven face. Unique and of course you know I love unique. Favorite part is the "cut logic wires in my brain"...Poetry right there. You do short snippet poetry quite wonderfully. I just want to stretch some of the lines a little as I have this thing now where I'm trying to make longer lines in my work, but that's not your fault. It's my thing. I'd share it, but you don't want my disease. Or do you?
;
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