Shadows dance across
your face; New York City lights
You smile in your sleep
Author notes
wonderbandalice
A contest entry
- Weekend Haiku by azure85.
600 points, ended May 28, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANY THING GOES!!!!! by my1lovewearsdiapers.
900 points, ended June 12, 2008, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - " PREWRITES ONLY" by wingsofgold25.
500 points, ended June 7, 2008, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and everything-prewrites allowed-2nd contest by Midgetbridgey.
350 points, ended July 11, 2008, 245 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Don't even lie, tell me what you think.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Ah, the Art of Haikus...
So this is one of the contemporary pieces of poetry, I see. I would have to say that this piece could be re-written and richer images, thoughts could have been added.
>>>>darkened shadows dance
with you, upon New York lights
you merely smiled sleepily.<<<
Consider an edit such as this. I would like to see where you can go with this. I'm not a haiku writer, but that is merely a suggestion, attempting to follow the 5/7/5 meter.
Otherwise, beautiful words. Consider making it a full-length poem instead of haiku. Too much potential for this piece. -
Um..
What is so special about this? You asked me to be honest, so that's what I'm doing.
Why is this Haiku unique?? I have nothing against simple words, in fact, the most beautiful poems are simple..
But this is only words.. they give me no feeling.. they do not make me see New York.. through your eyes.
I'd suggest using richer imagery.. definitely needs a lot of work.. -
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First off, I'd like to thank you a lot for your comment. I find that a lot of people on allpoetry don't comment honestly on poems, and it bugs me.
I don't know why it's unique. I wrote it as I was in the car (in my head) in the back seat. My little brother was on the other side of the seat, and the street lights were making shadows 'dance' across his face. I don't know what he was thinking or dreaming about, but he smiled, and the moment inspired me. This poem isn't about New York, really, it's about him.
I don't think I'm going to change or edit it, but I see how you think it needs richer imagery. Personally, I am satisfied with the write, but that may be because I was there so I am going to imagine that moment in my head, no matter what was written.
Thanks again for your comment.
-wonderbandalice
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awww,w this is so sweet and lovely
great write and good luck in the contests
take care,
stephanie
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Wow, i actually like this one
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makes me smile
but i still dont get haikus -
Beautiful! Great haiku!!!
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WELL.................
Actually, I'm not one who delights in this style of poetry, but I so like this one! For me, it would be about chicago, never been to New York. There is massive amounts of imagery wrapped up tightly in this sweet little gem. I LIKE!
POETDONTKNOWIT
WRITING IT HER WAY -
I spent some time in New York City I can relate to this. I enjoy reading good Haiku's this one is goosd
Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest. -
Sweet.
I have been in New York and I know the city in all it's lighted and shadowed glory. This little poem brings back nostalgic yearnings for the greatest city in the world. -
Shadows dance across
your face; New York City lights
You smile in your sleep
A nice glimpse of life, inside the heart of the city. Thank you so much, some very nice images are here within your haiku.
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A sensitive description of someone seeing the beauty of their subject, while they reflect on the image surrounding them. Beautiful and subtle.
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What a beautiful picture painted here....Excellent haiku...Much enjoyed reading this!
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very simple, yet it paints a picture.
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I like it.
Honest I like it. I skipped all the others 2 c urs.I am going to put some up HAIKU.C if you like mine. -
...pure poetry!
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I Imagine there would be lots of this going on in New York City. Liked that last line- lets us imagine all kinds of things.
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Beautiful, the light, the smile. Great moment!
Marlene -
Fine poet, I do admire what your haiku says... for it takes the reader right to the location and the image is so charming.
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