Plastic mask shudders
a soft sigh singing
your final chorus.
I hear the snake
hiss of demise
harshly knocking
against your ribs
the gentle clock tick
of the fading heart
slowly unwinds itself
till you are gone.
A contest entry
- A Treat For prompt and quickie lovers...＃２ Prompt is up!!! by Sweet Sorrow.
425 points, ended May 25, 2008, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rain by kales4.
450 points, ended July 21, 2008, 90 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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a very cool poem to read. short and sweet and also to the point.
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Can this be a person after my own heart
"I hear the snake hiss of your demise.." excellent once again. Great to see your work.
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Thank you for entering my contest. I enjoyed the flow and rhythmn of your poem. Great write and good luck.
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"The snake hiss of demise." Well expressed. You say this in such a low key way but it's a fine and, I think, accurate description of what happens when we die.
Congrats on your bronze.
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Plastic mask shudders
a soft sigh sings
your final chorus.
Plastic mask shudders
a soft sigh
singing your final chorus
would it be much better if you write like this with your first stanza? mine is just a suggestion.
I like this poem, the message it conveyed tto the readers...there is impact. Well done. -
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yes!
thanks for your suggestion, it does flow better your way, cheers! and huge thanks for the bronze and positive comment.
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