The taste of defilement
was bitter,
but you had promised
afterglow
and I was
too proud to admit
I would have done anything
for you...
In a list
A contest entry
- RAW by Cat.
800 points, ended June 7, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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One question I wonder, as a reader, is, was the defilement what was felt at the time or in retrospect? In whatever the form regret takes, I would guess there is always that bitterness. I've learned over the years not to over-guess a poets' intent because smart ones (which you fall into) usually don't show you the obvious...so I won't hazard to state the apparent meaning here...but it's clear that duplicity and a desire to be loved/wanted/needed/etc combined to cause this dark feeling.
You name all your lists colors. I like that. I'll have to try some from each and see if they do seem different to me.
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This is so powerfully perfect, like the darkest of regrets...peace
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Very Raw indeed
I have been THERE!!! Wow such a poignant peice that really explains my last relationship.
but you had promised afterglow
Sends chills directly up and down my spine!!! Great job!!!
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Dear Miss Lane, what beautiful and yet sorrowful words you have written in this poem...
and I was
too proud to admit
I would have done anything
for you...
love it!
Aaron
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RAW indeed.
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Yes pride sometimes stands in the way...
Well done Lady Lane
Becky
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I like how concise this piece is. The superfluous has been removed and that is great. I would love to see some imagery enter this piece- a bit of a painting of the scene- but not with frillies or exaggeration but in the same concise mode as this originally stands.
i do appreciate that you did not use the picture literally and stepped into something raw here.
many thanks
Mary -
How do you stoke a rose until it tenderly yields its lovely tones, yet remains even more whole than you have ever been or ever will be, yet so dependent upon you that your leaving will kill it dead? You hum as you stroke.
your poetry is quite provoking, you know that?
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This is one of the most personal comments I am ever going to leave. Before the demise of my marriage, me and my ex got a notion that maybe swinging could somehow help us, ha. It was something he wanted, and I did not want to give up on the relationship, so I convinced myself he was right. What did we have to lose? The answer is we had everything to lose, and we simply threw what chance we ever had of fixing things out on the first night we shared ourselves with others. As soon as the mistake was made, I knew there would be no chance of time healing the mess we had made. The trust was gone. It was a very, very hard lesson to learn, and your poem sums up how I felt afterwards in 25 well thought out words. Great write, and sorry for the long comment.
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don't apologize...
if something i write can be identified with, then i have done what i set out to do...to reach and to touch. i know you suffered a lot of pain with this experience. i hope you are okay now. we live and learn...we're human, my friend. Love, Lane
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I seem again to read this from a whole different perspective than the others here...I saw one who has defiled another and finding the taste of it bitter, and the afterglow more 'after' than 'glow', being too proud to admit to commitment of heart. You are a master at making the cut deep and the thoughts linger...Love this one...(different drummers, eh?)...Peace to you, and very best of luck in the contest. Rhonda
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Beautiful write, Lane. It makes me think of how some people may hold out for love with the feeling that even though there may be tough times, things might eventually get better. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
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Excellent
Now this is my kind of poem...
Short and without wasted word.
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The bitterness overwhelms...
"and I was
too proud to admit
I would have done anything
for you..."
those words strike a chord...
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There are those who seduce with words and for whom feelings are uncomfortable realities that don't fit into the right catagories. There are those who dance with you always discovering where you are in the song and sharing their experience as they feel blessed by what they discover in yours. I guess it is about being picky picky or rolling dice.
Love, Tom B.
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I love how you present a paradox, an oxymoron, and an enigma all at once. How does one defile the willing? But then, you were too proud to be willing... so, was the after glow stolen by his broken promise, or by your confliction and unwillingness to accept completely? What makes this so deep is the contradictions, showing a mind that is reeling from stimuli it cannot comprehend. Very well thought out.
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The taste of fullfilment
was sweet
you never promise me anything
but you deliver
afterglow
I am not too proud to say
for you
I would do anything
(Sorry!)
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Lane, what can I say except that you have done it again. If one stops to analyse this, there's nothing to it; you could even say it is prosaic. If you had written it out without line-breaks, it would have been prose - no metaphor, the ghost of a sensory image (the taste of defilement). But still, but still... In a mere handful of words you have told a story, summed up and encounter, if not a whole relationship. Well done again.
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Oh I know that feeling and I also know the vacant look you get after they leave as if they never heard or felt any of it.
Love, C
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My Lady
Speechless again. How do you do this?
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lol...she is ambidextrous like me
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he who promises an afterglow is oft found to have coal dust upon his hands.
however, as a poem it has the bittersweet aroma of perfection.
len
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Excellent!
Very well said Lane! The bitter sweet taste of after thought come through very clear. A unique display of emotions running the thoughts for what seems to be a better solution to one's actions in a particular situation. Don
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I'm speechless -- as usual.
I truly admire this. -
Defiled in the afterglow...
I am forming a picture
shhhhhhhhh.....
Nice one
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Oh I have been here Lane! This is tremedous, as always, your talent shines!
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