To kiss the hand was to kiss the pain
I couldn't bring myself to bare
and so it goes understandably
I'm left with an unconsolable tear.
Still time has yet to fade away
the regret of not being strong enough
to kiss goodbye his soul.
In this place I face the pain
each day more that stares me cold.
I dare to find another reason
to excuse my incompleteness,
if my heart hadn't beat so heavy,
if hot tears hadn't blinded my eyes,
or confusion hadn't crowded my mind;
If I hadn't felt so numb and unready
death coming to the undeserving,
life taken by the observing.
A decision made to fit the circumstance.
If I had laid that kiss perhaps,
then my conscience could rest.
Instead of being locked in this feeling,
of unsobering unhappiness.
And in its place I face the pain
of not giving my last goodbye.
Author notes
I actually am almost done with a full revision..but would like any thoughts on the original to add to the revision...Please...Thanks
ANY CRITIC IS WELCOMED
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Well done!! that was wonderful indeed..felt something different while reading.Actually I enjoyed reading your poem very much
I hope you won't regret for the past any longer or feel any pain of this.
Thank you very much for sharing.
Anan.
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The rhythm and flow were very good as were the rhyme. So many emotions were displayed from stanza to stanza in this. I am not a big fan of rhyme even though I use to do primarily rhyme but you did a wonderful job with this...
You might want to check a few places for words running together but other than that, my pleasure to read.
Thank you for sharing
Becky
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Great Job
I really enjoyed this poem. It was lovely just as it is. I think that each stanza has it's own new emotion to be shared with the reader. It gives us a way of relating and uniting our feelings in with yours. Do you catch my drift?
So if you were to change any part of this, it would not be the same. I have learned that to each write, what first comes out, should be how it stays. Other than spelling errors or grammatical errors.
Otherwise every piece of writing is good in its own way, in it's original version and the mind state you had when writing.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
It was so amazing.
Have a great day.
God Bless.
~Only1love4ever -
Hi Lalulis (great name)
Sorry for the delayed response. I agree with Star Princess (another good name lol!) this is a lovely piece of work and very little needs changing.
However, you have entered it here for advice and only one section leaps out at me:
I dare to find another reason
to excuse my incompleteness,
if my heart hadn't beat so heavy,
if hot tears hadn't blinded my eyes,
if confusion hadn't crowded my mind.
In my humble opinion there are too many "if's" here. I think the stanza could be made a little stronger and would help the start of the next stanza if maybe some of the "if's" were changed. Here's and example of what I mean...
I dare to find another reason
to excuse my incompleteness,
if my heart hadn't beat so heavy,
if my hot tears hadn't blinded my eyes,
or confusion hadn't crowded my mind;
I can't help feel that in its original form reading this stanza creates an expectation in the reader's mind that the problem will also be resolved in that stanza. Having a full-stop (or period) at the end of 'mind' seems indicate that this point has been made but it continues in the next verse - so I would add a semi-colon to show the connection and continuation.
Just my thoughts fwiw.
Thanks for entering your poem.
Heath
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Very Good
Lalulis I don't really think you need any revision here except for misspelled words, and a few words running together. But if you are going to change what you have written here, you will destroy the poem's meaning. I found this to be emotional, heartfelt and soulful as it exists.
In the second stanza on the last line you wrote "eachday" and these two words should be separated.
As for the rest of the poem it is a perfect free verse poem, and should not be revised beyond correcting the mistake I showed you. Thank you for sharing.
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