he watched her,
flirty and free
with tall and handsome,
tossed an empty into the backseat
and went home
he pinned her down
like a colorful specimen
she went dead inside
as murmured directives
assaulted her ears
Author notes
Prompt: raw
A contest entry
- RAW by Cat.
800 points, ended June 7, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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lots to like about this
i like that you didn't see this as a pollution challenge
the story is good- needs some tightening
i would eliminate
"had" in the first line
and would make the first stanza more stacatto
he watched her
flirt with
tall and handsome
love the pinned her down line
would end at assaulted her ears.
nicely done- good to find this here
m -
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Thanks, I took your advice, 'preciate it.
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yeah it's better for sure..
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well, this has the punch of a prize fighter...shivered at the ending. Dear God, how insecure we can be as human beings...our vulnerability marks us. Good luck in the contest. Love, Lane
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Thanks, Lane
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Ouch. This makes me want to open my arms wide and share some suffering. Brilliant.
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You catch the way magic flees when someone does not believe in themselves and wants you to be their source of affirmation.
Love, Tom B.
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Great job on the prompt. This was raw, indeed. This seemed very dark also and expressed raw emotion and imagery. You're a very talented writer. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
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you still got it girl...
Where in the hell have you been?
Becky
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Definitly raw jealous rage. Great metaphor.
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That's pretty raw! Amazing write! I aspire to write like you one day
All the best with this!
Gaylene xx
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lol..get outta town..but thanks.
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