"What were you saying?"
The world heaved as you took me outside
to breathe in the air from the sky.
Staring up at the jaws of night
the crescent grinning down on us
from the black pool of ink.
For once I was composed;
until you asked what I was thinking,
and the moon proceeded to swerve.
A long white stick pressed gently in between my
paper dry lips.
A red cherry glowing in the dark.
A click is heard, and you offer me your flame -
I dumbly accept. I hardly smoke, but I would for you.
"What were you saying?"
Nothing. Cotton stuffed ears recall muffled
beats from inside the club, and iridescent lights
twinkle in the distance.
You laughed as I choked on the smoke,
choked on my words.
But as I choked, I was drawing - drawing, desparately.
A squealing alert pierced the air, and you turned
your back to answer someone called
Elaine
and that's when I knew. Stumbling from poison,
I staggered through bollards
to escape the sight of you,
self-realisation lighting a match to my heart.
And as I stood, swaying in the rain,
the cigarette fizzled
and died. Grey and black ash stain my fingers today.
I needed your lighter, but it wasn't there. No life, no life.
A contest entry
- Spark by zochit2me.
1375 points, ended June 12, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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The eternal flame is a marage in this great piece of symbols.
The girl that hoped some where forever shining stars,
walking towards the false light,
as reality extinguishes her desire for decency.
Finding that no flame...no spark...no man..can make a flame from the cold wet ashes that were placed in your heart by him
As he turns his torch to another choking victim,
all to amuse and distract himself,
from his own inadequacies.
A pile of empty discarded lighters,
that he purchased from the prison,
that many before you have stumbled from.
This is a simply spectacular piece.
Knowing you, I wanted to hurt this person.
And our friendship made it heartbreaking for me to read.
I got lost in anger and awe....
you have a way of putting me right there,
this time i wish i was,
to protect and hug my British gypsy poet.
This was emotional for me.
Great piece.
You got a friend,
Lowell.
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Very interesting write on a metaphorical level.
Your imagery was wonderful, and taken at face value alone, the poem is stunning.
However, it seems there is much more to be discovered lying in the undercurrents of the poem. I felt that (and correct me if I'm wrong)the lighter symbolized a spark (of hope, of warmth, of inspiration, of life?) and the cigarette was you or some part of you (your heart, your soul, your mind, your passion?), and the ashes are the cold, gray nothingness of yourself without him.
Just my take.
I thought it was particularly interesting (and imagistically beautiful) how one moment you are there together, creating fires, and the next it is raining and you are swaying along, the flames sizzling out... so quickly. Just like that. It brought up so many images.
One thing that stands out to me is the movie "Invisible" (the one that made "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie famous). If you haven't seen it yet, you ABSOLUTELY HAVE GOT to see that movie! You'd love it, I think.
Anyway, gorgeous write. I can't believe you didn't place. If it were my contest, you'd have a nice shiny trophy.
(so remember to enter my contest coming up in July!
)
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The beginning was a little too heavy on adjectives for me and I think it could benefit from some lines breaks to break the constant flow.
Thank you for entering and good luck
Becky
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A very well told story! Full of honesty and passion which rings so true. A poem many can relate to including me! Well done!
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Good work Jessica!
I enjoyed this visual and descriptive work that you presented in this one.To me I will say this is a winner. THANKS again!
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