Once upon a drifting living, falling into crime
He felt the falling, dreadful, awful, twisted, tearing time.
And knew that if he turned and left it on its own
He’d find the gift of living, quiet and alone.
Then steal away within his screaming mind
To sooth the pain, to let his brain unwind
But screeching, searing, grinding hard
Was still the thought of disregard.
And pulling from his heart,
Remains of all his love
He stood to tear apart
And stared at sky above
To scream aloud
Enraged with hate
Tall and proud
He called too late
And knowing in his psyche that the world had gone insane,
He vowed upon his anger that he’d never live again.
Author notes
This poem is mostly iambic with varying metre.
Septameter (7)
Sexameter (6)
Pentameter (5)
Tetrameter (4)
Trimeter (3)
Dimeter (2)
Septameter (7)
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Flow part 3 New - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended June 15, 2008, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments welcome
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I love the emotion here and the way it flows is wonderful...
"And knowing in his psyche that the world had gone insane"...I can relate to that very well. Great job and thanks for sharing this!
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I love the emotion here and the way it flows is wonderful...
"And knowing in his psyche that the world had gone insane"...I can relate to that very well. Great job and thanks for sharing this! -
Awesome job! I really felt the emotion behind this piece! An A+ job! Keep up the awesome work adn thanks so much for the share! I really am looking forward to reading more of your work....which I probably have already............ I read a lot of stuff on here and try to comment on everyones....Sorry for my mindless ramblings.............HAHA!!!!!
Again.....Thanks so much for the brilliant write and share! Good luck with future writes....but judging from this, you don't really need much luck!!!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~**~Heroesrox~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~* -
Nicely done. This piece flows really well.
♥ Kathraina -
very well written and very great flow. Great display of emotion in the words while still keeping everything in its place. I found the line "He’d find the gift of living, quiet and alone." to stand out the most to me. Thank you for sharing this magnificent piece and hope to see more from you.
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The fact that you were able to pull off iambic so well amazes me. I am always trying to make that work for me but it rarely does because I just can't hear the rhythme clearly in my head. This is a very sad poem, and those two last lines sum it up so well. When you have lost everything, sometimes the only thing to do is to give up on this life because only more pain will follow. However, I do hope better days are ahead for both you and the speaker of this poem. Bravo
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wow
this poem is great! the words are very powerful! it almost makes me want to cry! overall GOOD POEM!
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Holy crap.
Holy crap.
AMG THIS IS SO AMAZING POEM!
Like, woah.
I totally got pretty frusturated and angry, could feel it in these words.
Be well.
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wow. this was really good. i don't really understand what you meant in the author notes about it, but i don't have to understand that to know a good poem when i see one. good job. keep up the awesome work.
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this has great rhyme and good flow. I enjoy rhyme a good deal and always am happy when I come across it.
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very nice. I realy liked the way this one flowed, it was great, I realy, honestly, truely liked this. Hope all is well, nice write and keep the pen flowing
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wow...a poem form! very dark...but this kept my interest and usually with a formed poem, i lose interest...lol. *terrible me* I like the emotion in this piece and I think it was original and that why i like it. breath of fresh air!
thank you
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Thank you once again for a very interesting entry in our contest. Your rhyming is excellent but the flow is not what we are looking for and we did both enjoy reading.
Please join us in future contests, we want to read more from you...Sue and Jeff
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good job!
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