A hanger dashed out below tornado clouds
into the rack vineyard,
microscopical to a lethal twister nearby
taking much more valuable things
into bits of miles of wind,
tipping the scales of small worry
dropping [ourselves]
tightly hidden as downstairs,
half-way contained
from spinning boards
like clothing loose on a rod,
yet the eastside highway
is on a turned page
Author notes
Old version:
A hanger dashed out like a tornado
right off the field of a rack,
spinning,
reminding me on a low level
of a stronger twister nearby
taking much more of our valuable things
[becoming bits of miles of wind],
tipping the scales of small worry
to where we ourselves would have to crouch
as tightly hidden as downstairs
half-way containing us from spinning boards
like a rod with loosely hung clothing,
yet the other direction of the highway
patches into the gravel with hail,
large
I may edit a bit more if I see fit, but I think I like it for now anyway
In a list
A contest entry
- RAW by Cat.
800 points, ended June 7, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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let me tell you what i love about this piece-
the creativity of idea is absolutely first rate- the fact that you took the idea somewhere different than expected.
i think this piece could be great with some tweaking- but i do think it needs the tweaking-
There seems to be an overabundance of words- i think this piece needs to be pared down to make the poem pop
for instance:
A hanger dashed out like a tornado
right off the field of a rack,
spinning,
reminding me on a low level
of a stronger twister nearby
A hanger spun like a tornado
off the rack
reminiscent of a killer twister nearby
anyhow.. i really appreciate finding this here
thanks so much- a really great take on the contest
Mary -
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Wow.. I'm motivated to try my best to edit by your support of talking about the positive things you found, as well as the slightly negative. Thank you for a constructive comment, off to work now!
PIA-K -
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definitely a better version- i would keep tweaking.. but my goodness what a good job so far
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