Blazing neon lights illuminates concrete
on warm urban nights within a restless metropolis.
The streets, the steel cathedral skyscrapers,
envelope my senses amongst asphalt imagery.
Busy nightlife of endless scenarios entrances
my muse that slumbered in boredom.
Awakened to the vexing of city dwelling.
Potential shines on building dotted horizons,
energized from mind to body, the motions
of the urban landscapes, catches me in
neon laced gravity, sends me spinning
in perpetual love for the city life.
Author notes
I'm a city person at heart, right now I am stuck in the country.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended May 27, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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My scores:
City Boy
by B-Tha-1DA
Title 9
Flow 9.9
Depth/Feelings 8.9
Theme 9.95
Imagery 9.5
Grammar 9.7
Presentation/Form 9.85
Originality 9.65
Lasting Impression 8
Rules 8
Total: 92.45
I'm really looking forward to seeing more of your work in future PO contests!
~J.
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Its good to see your talent here, I have read you before so I know this isn’t a fluke. You most definitely bring some serious quality as far as solid imagery and wise word choices.
You have skill that I would LOVE to see more of here…Id like to see you come back to the POW bringing attention to that which is asked for (here)…Strong Title…Impact…RULES
I can see other judges have pointed the missed rules out to you already…. and that is really my main problem with this entry.
The biggest hit in points would come from simply not reading the rules…which according to your comments below you will next time….and THAT I am very much looking forward to. I do hope that you will be back and we can see what unique theme you bring with…I do believe without considering the rules and the specific points that these POWs are scored by… this would be one of my favorites.
…BUT rules are BIG TIME for me…mostly because I had to struggle through them myself with my many entries into these contests. (YEP, if I had to suffer, so do you, lol)
Despite the lost points in rules this is a fine write, chock full of talent and makes me anxious to read more of you. Hope to see you join us again! Good luck !!
Jamie
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Hi and welcome to the PO!
I really enjoyed your theme; if I’ve seen it before, it’s not been for a loooong while. That’s good, for you.
I grew up in the country and couldn’t wait to get to the city. Many of the things I fell in love with you’ve included in your write, making this easy to relate to, but I admit I’ve found a new appreciation for country living now that I’m older.
Okay, firstly...there are a few things you might want to consider tweaking a bit. Grammatically, in “lights illuminates”, only one of these should be plural, as a fellow poet already pointed out. “scenarios entrances” is another one that, while it might technically be okay, sounds awkward especially when read out loud because of the “s“ sounds. .There are at least 2 more examples in your second stanza, and like Neon, the punctuation threw me off in several places.
A few of your line breaks were awkward IMO, such as, “entrances/my muse” For me, separating the verb like that affects clarity and flow. Keep in mind, the last word in a line gets more emphasis and is remembered longer in the reader’s mind. Ending a line with “and”, “the”, or in this case, “in” is a missed opportunity to get more impact out of your poem.
While impact and power weren’t as strong as I’d have liked to see, this is still one of the better reads so far this week, and I think it’ll score well on my score sheet. ) Work on getting more concrete imagery into your writes, just some general polishing up and attention to details, and make sure you read and follow all rules, (Don't forget to put "PO" in your AN as well as the theme) and I foresee only great things in your PO future.
Thanks so much for a great entry, and I sincerely hope to see you in next week’s POM!
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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sort of a modern write here...hmmmm...
interesting enough to win me over,
however,
some of your descriptions do not seem strong enough to push your thoughts directly into the reader's imagination..."buildings"
"horizon"
and such are common mind's eye associations with cities...
Your poem read nice,
and I do enjoy your sense of longing and homesickness here...
Good Luck to you in this contest...
Title: 9.5
Theme: 10
Flow: 9.85
Impact: 10
Rules:9
Creativity: 10
Big Bang Moment:7.95(flat)
Grammar: 8.5
Quality: 10
Poignancy:9.7
94.5 Final Score
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Absolutely Lovely ~
I have to say, I agree with your Judges on so many levels....Rules especially......However, this is now the best read thus far.....for me........and I read this aloud to my Partner and we think it shines splendidly!
:)
Flow is spectacular....but without Filler Words you would have been challenged a bit more ~
Your balance between Show & Tell is really nice....you shared enough thoughts with me to get your Theme across and the Lasting Impression will hold strong during scoring ~
Your Poetic Voice is glorious and superb.....you have a talent which I have not seen lately.....Standing ovation in southern CA!
However.....Rules are Rules, and I am anticipating how this would look after you edited....or not....but to be fair to your Contest Host, you should always read every Rule, as they are placed there for a reason ~
I absolutely loved this write from beginning to end....you have brought out your mighty qyull and it has graced us with your skill as a Writer ~
Thank you!
There are two more Judgescoming behind me, so be preapared for more eyes to search through your words and give you the best critiqye and review we can :)
Good luck to you and God bless!
Be well and stay safe this Holiday!
Bear ~
Title 9.85
Flow 9.95
Depth 8.9...a tad shallow, but not bad -
Theme 9.95
Feelings 9.85....for so few lines....wonderful!
Grammar 9.75
Presentation 9.9
Uncommonness 9.5
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.75
Ability to follow Rules 9.25
Bears Score: 96.65
Excellent job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi, and welcome to the PO Contest!
One big rule of the contest is a ban on the use of certain "filler" words.
This week they were of, is, and, the, that, and to. You have used those words 13 times in two stanzas, and that will hurt final scores.
However, I was happy to see that you took advice from the comments section, and cleaned this poem up a bit before judging..shows that you are intent upon presenting what is required in this contest..and is appreciated by at least this judge.
I like the basis of your poem, the intrigue of the city, and you've described it fairly well, if not in detail. I have a couple of problems with tenses changing mid-stream, which chops the flow..a sort of hiccup in the middle, and punctuation, one of my pet peeves, seems haphazard.
However, you have some strong lines, and some good imagery at work here. I would like to see this poem enhanced with a few more stanzas to really get the feel of how living in the city affects you. You've only given me the highlights, not the depth.
Ultimately, scores will be lower due to lack of attention to details, and that will hurt your final mark. We strive for perfection in all aspects here in the PO contests.
Hopefully, you will take this knowledge and use it to your advantage in the POM contest next week. My scores for this entry will appear in the final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
*No editing once a judge has commented. -
You've missed most of the rules....
Your title could be stronger. Impact was weak, I feel because the write was too short to get it across. Wording was better than average, but flow was off. Presentation was neat. A fairly common theme, but you've done nicely in your images.
Hope to see your talents join us again. Best wishes in the contest.
*Remember: no editing once a judge has commented. -
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Thank you for the critique, I look forward to the next contest ^_^
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I look forward to seeing your talents there!..*smile*
best wishes
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Aloha and thanks so much for entering PO
I am just the first of multiple judges....I'm not sure if you have been here before...but first of all rules are important...and unfortunately you missed one that says do not use the filler words...Of, Is, And, That,
To.....Also, we look at imagery, focus, impact,...
I want to feel that love of the city...why? do you like it so much? Make me feel what you feel....
You have a great start....expand a bit...and it will be a winner....I don't think I've seen the theme before...but now it's not uncommon...so you have to find a new one! lol...I hope you and your talent join us again....
Best wishes in the contest.
Write on!
*PEACE*
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented. -
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Thank you for the critique, I look forward to the next contest ^_^
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"neon laced gravity" I love this line! good luck in the contest! Kathryn
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City life has always frightened me but having read this observation, I shall look on it with new eyes Good luck in the contest
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I like the content of this poem. Nice metaphors.
Check line 1, typo. envelopes should be envelope (or without e, I'm not sure.) Some repeat words. Final line as written is not a sentence. Double check the rules.
Also grammatically, 2 or 3 times you use a multiple noun with a singular verb, such as: "lights illuminates" which should be "lights illuminate" or "light illuminates".
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