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Gelé dans le Temps (Frozen in Time)

The artist's hands unshaken
lay fine the placid scene;

In colors rich of living soul
from boundaries unseen.

The stillness of existence
captured a single time,

Of one's unwritten memoir
lines of painted lines.

The beauty of the apple,

ruby innocence imposed,

 

Or oranges, rich of sweetness,

extravagantly posed.

 

Of many hand-made china,

or vases made of glass,

 

The beauty is the stillness

that can not be surpassed.

 

The artist's final stroke

is laid to paint the scene.

 

The moment's time, unbroken

stillness sets, serene.

 

Author notes

It took me a long while to write this. I tried to find the right wording to make this poem. I really hope you enjoy this.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • Symphony
    February 4

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    Wow ... This was beautiful...

    I'm a little stunned after reading it actually From the title, I was expecting this to be something I would enjoy, but I did -

    It was so serene, and calm ... Something that you could kick back and read in relaxation, and had a real 'old' feel to it in the way it was written...

    Thanks for entering


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    I love good rhyming poetry and you did an excellent job with this
    Thank you for your entry.


  • Lyndon gold member
    June 25, 2008

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    Actually, a very fine poem.

    Why the upper-case for line one of each twosome and lower-case for the second line? Why not look at your syntax?
    "in colors rich of living soul
    from boundaries unseen."
    The metricality is mixed; random. The lines vary from trimeters to tetrameters. The twosomes look as if they should be paired into making quatrains, suggested by the alternate full or assonantal rhymes.
    "Of many hand-made china
    or vases made of glass,
    the beauty is the stillness
    that cannot be surpassed."
    This arrangement seems eminently more satisfactory once the poem is closely looked at and read.
    I do not agree that you have written couplets, technically.
    Read aloud, this poem has a magic in its vowel music and consonants. However, syntactically, there are one or two problems that need to be ironed out in fine poems.
    "The beauty of the apple,
    ruby innocence imposed"
    Now, do you mean the apple imposed ruby innocence and, if so, on what?
    Or, do you mean that the ruby innocence was imposed on the apple?
    Or, do you mean thast the ruby innocence and apple imposed (on something)?
    I think you mean that the beauty of the apple comes from the ruby innocence imposed upon it. Am I correct?

    This is an anonymous contest but I see your age is 16, poet. Therefore, I am here to tell you that you have
    written a remarkable poem.
    No doubt, many below may have written about how lovely your poem is. That is not my job ~ to see what people have said; rather, it is to judge this work!
    Oh, a moment cannot possess time; it is passage of time itself:"The moment's time" is really "Moment in time!"
    Congratulations.
    Lyndon of the Winklings.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    June 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am simply delighted with your smooth and beautiful couplets in this poem. You have given life to the still life with visuals that need no painting for sight.

    Just lovely. When read aloud, this poem is magically transformed from simply words to elegant visuals. Well done poet. A stunning entry for this contest. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela


  • Angelflower
    June 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    What a wonderfully poetic picture you have created here..
    I really love the flow in your words as well as the imagery here..It's just so vivid..
    This is such a gentle write.. You did a wonderful job I must say..Thank you very much for sharing this..
    I wish you the best of luck..

    Angel


  • BluesMan gold member
    June 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I love the picture you painted with your words and the muted song that it was sung to Wonderful


  • Condemd RyeZing
    June 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Amazingly written. I loved the rhythm, and very few poets can rhyme so tastefully. Nice job.

  • Sestos
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Quite nice, actually. You might want to rethink the inverted syntax, though.

    The moment's time, unbroken

    stillness sets, serene.


  • NeonRose
    May 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This write is absolute perfection IMO..Your time was worth it, poet!


  • cricketjeff gold member
    May 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful, a perfect still life in poetry, I feel calmer for reading it.


  • Sonja
    May 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The artist's final stroke
    is laid to paint the scene.

    The moment's time, unbroken
    stillness sets, serene.
    ~
    Well, this time the last artist's stroke was yours. And it was nicely done.
    ~Sonja~


  • Rj
    May 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Actually, I did enjoy this poem and I could tell you spent time editing words to enhance the missive... That's what lyrical poetry is all about: Chosing words that have the right sounds to enhance the message. Deep vowels darken the picture and bright high notes brighten up the write, hard consonants set the beat and long vowels and sibilants slow it... At 16 you have a pretty good natural ear. Follow your instincts and use words as tools to create the mood you need to get the reader to *feel* your message. Never be afraid to edit, one really good poem is worth 1000 mediocre ones. Some of my best lines got tossed because they didn't enhance a particular poem but the write was better for it.

    That said, this poem is very well done, it has a rich texture and pleasing imagery, you did a really good job at controlling the beat and read speed. Your hard work really paid off.

    The down side for people of natural talent... people will expect more from you... The up side is that you could really get very good... 10% inspiration 90% presperation and chances are you'll go a long way in this art form. In any event, this poem gets you off to a pretty good start.

    Rainbows,

    ~RJ~

1 - 12 of 12